We Kept Busy

before d left we had the opportunity to help a friend in need. her family had purchased a house in northern alabama and found themselves pressed for options when their current house sold faster than expected. she and her daughter needed a place to stay to finish out the school year and the dance lessons they had invested in. when we moved to mobile we were given so much help by a family from our church. we decided to pay it forward by hosting our friend and her daughter. it just happened that the time they would need a place would coincide perfectly with d being away. it was wonderful to not be totally alone everyday. birdie had an older playmate and i had a friend to keep me company. we already miss them.

"i don't know how you do it," is the response i get a lot when people ask how i've been doing these last 7 weeks without d. "we keep busy!" is always my overly enthusiastic response. for those who have experienced a separation from their spouse, while still maintaining family life and raising a little one, it just plain sucks most of the time. there are good days. days where the time passes all too quickly and you're laying in bed- exhausted- thinking about all of the things you'll catch up on tomorrow because you had too much fun that day. there are also bad days. days spent in pajamas with a fussy baby on your hip while you yell for the umpteenth time at your dogs for chewing up a cheap little toy. those are the days that seem to drag on. nevertheless, it was still helpful to have a couple extra hands around to bounce a baby while mama was out in the field dragging dogs back in the house, eating nightly meals with people other than a baby, and having company during reallyreallyreallyreally scary storms.

we kept busy, basically, because we didn't have any other choice.

i crafted... a LOT...

i painted our table and chairs. i absolutely love how they turned out- a seafoam green and coral.  

an old picture frame + scrapbook paper= a dry erase board for our kitchen

i jumped on the bandwagon and made a "southern" wreath for our front door.  

our couch got a little more cheery with four newly recovered pillows 

i tried to keep our garden alive... (and succeeded!) 

 marigolds that we grew from seeds 

 yellow squash

my beautiful hibiscus makes me excited for hawaii later this year.  

cherry tomatoes and a pepper- a very small portion of our harvest  

our porch peach tree 

i discovered wild blackberries behind our backyard

we played...

mama read countless books over and over to our little budding bookworm.  

birdie spent lots of time outside in her birthday suit. things are a little more fun when you're in the nude.  

water play with friends. 

won't keep a sun hat on but she'll wear a chef's hat for over an hour.  

her new pretend kitchen 

we napped (mama, too!) a lot.

we spent our evenings on the porch enjoying the weather.  

we laid low for a couple of days while we nursed our furry brother back to health after he suffered a snake bite. (normal paw on left, very swollen paw on right.)  

birdie sat patiently on my lap while mama got a haircut. (love that my new hairdresser was so accommodating to us!)  

birdie turned into a tummy sleeper.  

now that we're at the end of our family separation it seems as if the time has flown by. i'm extremely happy that this is our last separation for a looooong time. 

Chin Up

long time, no chat.

d's absence- due to training- leaves me to juggle everything and everyone. while we still have just over two weeks left before it's over this has been the only separation that has flown by. like all of the separations we've had to endure there's always an emergency-like situation that never fails to occur on my watch, usually car or dog related. (dog, this time) despite that, and other events that will not be blogged about, my chin is still up.

in my blogging absence i've gained some gnarly tan lines, mosquito bites, and a slight oreo addiction. i've conquered a bunch of household projects and, yet, somehow that to-do list keeps getting longer instead of shorter. i survived the scariest storm i've ever experienced a hurricane-like storm, alabama's wide array of weird bugs (understatement) and slowly adjusting to the southern heat. i'm gaining control over my post-partum depression, anxiety, and acne. ('cause lord knows i'm not 15 anymore!)  i've been kept busy by a scooting-but-on-the-cusp-of-crawling birdie, dogs that would rather be exploring our backyard creek than inside, church responsibilities, dinner and play date invitations and daily household items that require attention.

quite honestly that's the sugar coated version. we've been presented with a tough obstacle which has been one of the main drives behind my absence. i try to be as open and honest as i can here but there is a boundary line that i don't want to cross. i'm drawing that line here... now.

life always hands us a challenge that seems overwhelming and ridiculously hard. keep your chin up. that's what we're doing over here. i'll be back soon... pinkie promise.

The True Present

I was up late the other night, helping a fellow mama with her new baby via text message. (Yep... text message.) No matter how experienced a mama may be there's always something that pops up that you didn't expect. Something that throws you for a loop that leaves you second guessing things you were so sure were going to happen. When your expectations are thrown out the window it's hard to accept the true present- the reality- of things.

It's some hard stuff, this mama business.

"... I get so darn stuck in it. And I wish I could tell you what you need to do to work through that. But, I can't because I don't know how to do it for myself, " was a partial text that I sent to my mama-friend during our continued conversation, trying my best to reassure her.

I really wish I knew how to do it for myself.

Post-partum depression is kicking me in the butt. Hard. I struggle with the fact that I have it. (And it's clear- I do have it.) Before I was pregnant I always said I would probably get it but after Birdie hit 4-months-old I thought I was in the clear. I thought I would be weepy all of the time. I thought my bond with Birdie would reverse itself. I thought I would be so wishy-washy and undecided in my mothering. Nope... the reality is quite the opposite of what I originally thought which, in itself, is also a challenge. (And a blessing...?)

I don't want to convey a message that I'm constantly stuck in it. The majority of my days are "business as usual," and filled with many wonderful things: a silly, almost crawling baby who snuggles her face into my neck while simultaneously patting my back every time I pick her up. Two dogs who crack me up as they attempt to climb our big oak trees trying to catch a pair a squirrels. A husband that surprises me with a box of my favorite cookies and who sends me funny text messages all day. (Gosh, I love that man!) Those moments are always bright spots.

And then there's a shift.

It could be an external situation or internal... or both... but a shift nonetheless. Suddenly, heavy iron doors start shutting down inside and it's not long before I feel trapped inside myself. My anxiety level raises. It feels like tiny pins inside me are bursting and trying to escape through my skin, and I start checking myself to see if I'm physically shaking. Then my eyes search for the nearest clock. "How long will it last this time?" Every minute that passes feels like an eternity when I'm stuck in it. It's very lonely here. Unbearably lonely. Those wonderful moments and interactions become life preservers thrown out to rescue me but if I reach them I cannot hang onto them long enough. Everything becomes irritable and personally offensive- the glass left out on the counter... the pile of laundry waiting to be folded... a husband asking for assistance... I struggle to control my responses. The only way I know how to survive the shift is to either zone out and refrain from speaking or to clean... obsessively.

I keep checking the clock.

"Ugh, it's only been ___ minutes!" 

It becomes harder to hold on.

"How much longer?!"

Eventually there's another shift.

This one comes on much slower, like the sun slowly melting ice. I begin to hold on to the brights spots and interactions for longer periods. Anxiety settles enough for me to control my breath. I can finally put down the sponge, vacuum and all-purpose cleaner. Those heavy iron doors open enough for me to notice the details around me- the smell of my Anthropologie candle burning, two dogs curled up asleep in their beds, a baby rooting on my chest for a snack... It's finally over.

I remind my new mama friend that eventually things will get better, no matter how hard and difficult things are now. No matter how hard and strenuous the moment is... it'll pass... eventually. I remind myself, too. This wasn't what I really expected, or wanted, but it's the true present... it's the reality.

I glance over at my birdie-girl to see what she's getting into now. She's scooted her way off the living room rug and onto the tile. She flashes me a toothy, cheesy smile. I respond with a similar scrunchy smile back. I'm back in the true present, the one that I want to stay in the most. This is the true present that I welcome.

Bits & Pieces of Bama- Photo Dump

1. this one can be filed under, "creepy things you find in your backyard"
2. large tree in our backyard- complete with tire swing and zip line
3. an alabama sunset
4. random swamps
5. country roads
6. a local

It Ended With A Bowl of Cereal- Photo Dump

On our great trek across the lower states we made a full pit-stop in Texas to see our favorite family, the Hamiltons. It seems like yesterday Megan was moving into a room in my little college house. Then, in a blink of an eye and countless moves between the two of us, here we were with our own little families... her's quickly expanding with the addition of a baby girl coming any minute now (!!). Mila and Hayden played as best can be expected from a 4 (!) year old and 4 month old. Cory and Megan took us to our first BBQ experience. Boy, they did not disappoint! Salt Lick- we WILL be back... one day. 

After stuffing our manly/ pregnant/ nursing faces we retired back to their home, where they graciously put us up for the night. We ended our night with bowls of cereal and gabbed late into the night, just as we used to back in the day. It was a perfect day in Texas.

On Your Marks, Get Set... GO! Photo Dump

Bits and pieces from our big move from California to Alabama...

1. a jump for joy in arizona
2. lone tee-pee in new mexico
3. bearded hubs and his baby girl
4. my inner firework pyro rejoices
5. had the pleasure of sitting next to this little lady for the ride
6. dog-dogs waiting for a quick play sesh
7. monument in texas
8. driving over swamps in louisiana
9. a peek at mexico from over a beige wall

Excused Absence

it's been awhile with no word from this wifey.

apologies. 

settling in a new home and location is hard work. it's a job that i'm still plugging away at, but i can now see light at the end of the tunnel. there have been new friends, play dates, doctor visits, family walks, church callings and teaching, schedule switch-a-roos, colds, teething, lots of carne asada eating, baking, late nights, developmental milestones, phone calls to california, surfing, road trips, crazy thunderstorms, and falling in love with a new album by a favorite artist. as you can see we've been a little busy. 

in the midst of this a stranger showed up unannounced. at first it was quiet and subtle. then it grew noticeable but was kept in a corner, like a pile of papers waiting to be filed. suddenly it required my full attention. i was prepared for post-partum depression to hit but not this late, and not in this way. it has caused such a disturbance that it's hard to function some days. functioning as a mom has been no problem. but functioning as a wife, friend, sister, daughter? yikes. 

on side, but relevant, note: honestly... i took starting solid foods with birdie very, very hard. part of it i blame on post-partum, another part i blame on having to go through infertility, and the other part i blame on social pressures of being a mom. (and a new one at that!) d and i waited and waited for so stinkin' long to become parents that starting the solid-food milestone is just a tangible reminder- and a strong one- that her babyhood is quickly fading. pressure from outside sources to get her to eat three solid food meals a day seems, to me, intrusive and ..... commercial....? in the end- one la leche league meeting reassured my fears. so, while we'll sloooowly continue with solid foods but not make in a huge focus while she's still under a year old. 

for now my postings will slow down a little until i can get a better grip on this post-partum business. i have a few scheduled posts/ photo dumps that will appear next week in my absence. and despite all of this murkiness there have been so many bright, sunny spots. sweetness between our little trio, or with new friends, have made me stop and relish the moment. the following pictures are proof of that. 

1. a walk with mama and dog-dogs

2. all fancy-faced for church

3. weeeeeeee

4. my two best girls

5. lovin' our huge backyard 

6. one tooth... two tooth... and now we're on to our third

7. a very, very, very late night bath

8. a face i could eat up

9. less than a week away from being a 7-month-old