the day i've been dreading has finally arrived: mila-bird is 1 year old today.
last night as i rocked and nursed her to sleep before bedtime i soaked up the last ounces of her baby-ness. i had a small wave of nostalgia for her teeny tiny newborn days. i thought about our 3.5 years of infertility and all the emotions involved. i thought about all of our time spent playing and cheering her on as she accomplished little milestones. i could feel the tears welling up as i continued to rock her, her eyes so heavy that she couldn't possibly hold them open any longer.
and then she lets out a large toot. a smile washes over her face. she opens her eyes for a few seconds and lets out a little, raspy giggle. i can't help but giggle with her.
okay.
maybe this new adventure into toddlerhood will be fun.
but, part of me will always, always long for those first days with her.
happy birthday, mila-bird. you are our greatest adventure.
Tuesday, August 20
Wednesday, August 14
it's at this point that i have to admit that i have no idea what i'm doing
preparing for a new baby in your home- no matter which way a child comes to you- opens up a whole new world to the inexperienced. the day that we found out about birdie's much anticipated arrival was our first taste of this. d, sitting on the couch in as much shock as i was, asked me, "well.... what do we do now?" still pacing back in forth in utter disbelief i answer excitedly, "i have no idea! i only know how to get pregnant not be pregnant!" and so this was my first introduction to the unknown world of motherhood.
each month was spent learning about my current, pregnant state. "what to expect when you're expecting" became my first manual and guide into the unknown. in the latter part of pregnancy we added in a birthing class and la leche league meetings. through all of this we learned, well, what to expect. we learned the language of pregnancy and newborns: non-stress tests, group strep b, braxton-hicks, dialation, effacing, stages, apgars ... the list goes on and on. we wrote up my birth plan and all that would entail. yes to this, no to that, ask before proceeding in this scenario. typed, printed and signed. we're ready, i'm ready- let's do this.
then birdie debuts.
she's finally here.
fast forward. in short, things i thought i would never do i end up doing. while i never intended to have a set plan of how to raise our children i learned, quickly, to trust my instincts and not always follow the crowd. it's apparent that some things that work for a friend's child will not always work for my own. not to mention when you hit a rough spot, look for solutions and find very one-sided viewpoints for or against a certain method. there are so many theories on different aspects of child-rearing. for a newbie like myself it can be intimidating. "research finds..." becomes an equally comforting and frustrating phrase. no matter what theory you side with or dip your toes in to explore it seems as though there's always someone bullying, questioning or speaking out against your choice. i've done it. i'm sure most mama's are guilty of it. fortunately birdie doesn't give us any major loops to deal with. she's our easy-peasy baby.
and then some changes occur that are much needed for a happier baby and happier parents.
birdie throws us an expected loop... but a loop nonetheless. our parenting strategy must shift. support is sought, different theories are explored, "research finds...", and questioning begins. and that's fine... and that's expected. but, honestly, when it's 3am and you're exhausted and equally frustrated as your child- if not more- all of that doesn't really help. it's at this point that i have to admit that i have no freaking idea what i'm doing. i start to question how my current approach will effect her in the long run. i question how much longer i can ride this out. i start questioning everything. that's a tough place to be. my saving grace is that children are born with the divine characteristic of being very resilient. i'm hoping that extends to new mama's, too.
birdie celebrates her first birthday in less than a week. (whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?!) the challenge we're facing now will seem like nothing as she continues to grow. i have to remind myself that it's okay to not have a solution right now. finding something that works will take time anyways, right? i'll continue to celebrate the good days and treat the bad ones with a nap and lots of chocolate.
....where did i put those hershey's kisses?
each month was spent learning about my current, pregnant state. "what to expect when you're expecting" became my first manual and guide into the unknown. in the latter part of pregnancy we added in a birthing class and la leche league meetings. through all of this we learned, well, what to expect. we learned the language of pregnancy and newborns: non-stress tests, group strep b, braxton-hicks, dialation, effacing, stages, apgars ... the list goes on and on. we wrote up my birth plan and all that would entail. yes to this, no to that, ask before proceeding in this scenario. typed, printed and signed. we're ready, i'm ready- let's do this.
then birdie debuts.
she's finally here.
fast forward. in short, things i thought i would never do i end up doing. while i never intended to have a set plan of how to raise our children i learned, quickly, to trust my instincts and not always follow the crowd. it's apparent that some things that work for a friend's child will not always work for my own. not to mention when you hit a rough spot, look for solutions and find very one-sided viewpoints for or against a certain method. there are so many theories on different aspects of child-rearing. for a newbie like myself it can be intimidating. "research finds..." becomes an equally comforting and frustrating phrase. no matter what theory you side with or dip your toes in to explore it seems as though there's always someone bullying, questioning or speaking out against your choice. i've done it. i'm sure most mama's are guilty of it. fortunately birdie doesn't give us any major loops to deal with. she's our easy-peasy baby.
and then some changes occur that are much needed for a happier baby and happier parents.
birdie throws us an expected loop... but a loop nonetheless. our parenting strategy must shift. support is sought, different theories are explored, "research finds...", and questioning begins. and that's fine... and that's expected. but, honestly, when it's 3am and you're exhausted and equally frustrated as your child- if not more- all of that doesn't really help. it's at this point that i have to admit that i have no freaking idea what i'm doing. i start to question how my current approach will effect her in the long run. i question how much longer i can ride this out. i start questioning everything. that's a tough place to be. my saving grace is that children are born with the divine characteristic of being very resilient. i'm hoping that extends to new mama's, too.
birdie celebrates her first birthday in less than a week. (whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?!) the challenge we're facing now will seem like nothing as she continues to grow. i have to remind myself that it's okay to not have a solution right now. finding something that works will take time anyways, right? i'll continue to celebrate the good days and treat the bad ones with a nap and lots of chocolate.
....where did i put those hershey's kisses?
Monday, August 12
a few words about a few pictures
lost among the numerous folders of pictures that need to be forever archived on another hosting website are these pictures that were never blogged about. (someone please, please, please tie me down and force me to stop being lazy about backing up my pictures before something terrible happens!) it's so hard for me to wrap my head around the following images. they were taken in march. march, people!
to some these are just a few pictures of her first park experience. for me i see these pictures differently- from a mama-point-of-view. trying to memorize and drill those little, subtle details of her in this moment into my brain so they won't be forgotten. her lack of hair... her cankles that look like a busted can of biscuits... her little hand that always pops up... the way she looks so much like d in the first picture... the way she can look so much like d and myself at the same time... the last of her dark, newborn hair hanging on for dear life on the back of her head... the softness of her jacket... the smell of her fuzzy head... the weight of her body...
this mama thing can be rough at times. constantly being forced to move forward while trying not to forgot those little things in the past that you wish you had just a little bit more of and time with. she propels forward into the future no matter how hard much i hold onto her and drag my heels with her past in my other arm. i'm realizing that this may never go away. okay, motherhood, you win this little skirmish.
i can't help but silently giggle at birdie's reaction to her first experience on the swings. i'm sure her disapproving cries could be heard echoing throughout the neighborhood. not even the comfort of this mama's arms could pursue her to enjoy the gentle back-and-forth motion. her mind was made up- this is not fun, guys! my heart sank a little. i so wanted her to enjoy the experience of freely flying through the air. with a little time, and some more coaxing, her mind made a 180-degree turn. she decided to tolerate sitting in the swing chair and very, very small pushes. wasn't long before the pushes were larger and her time on the swings became longer with more smiles and laughs. now we can't walk by the park without her kicking her legs in wild excitement at the sight of the swings. while i can distract her now if there's no time for a quick little swing, i know it won't be long before her protesting cries can be heard around the neighborhood again.
she's independent, this birdie-bird of ours. can't convince her to do anything before she's ready. i love that about her.
to some these are just a few pictures of her first park experience. for me i see these pictures differently- from a mama-point-of-view. trying to memorize and drill those little, subtle details of her in this moment into my brain so they won't be forgotten. her lack of hair... her cankles that look like a busted can of biscuits... her little hand that always pops up... the way she looks so much like d in the first picture... the way she can look so much like d and myself at the same time... the last of her dark, newborn hair hanging on for dear life on the back of her head... the softness of her jacket... the smell of her fuzzy head... the weight of her body...
this mama thing can be rough at times. constantly being forced to move forward while trying not to forgot those little things in the past that you wish you had just a little bit more of and time with. she propels forward into the future no matter how hard much i hold onto her and drag my heels with her past in my other arm. i'm realizing that this may never go away. okay, motherhood, you win this little skirmish.
i can't help but silently giggle at birdie's reaction to her first experience on the swings. i'm sure her disapproving cries could be heard echoing throughout the neighborhood. not even the comfort of this mama's arms could pursue her to enjoy the gentle back-and-forth motion. her mind was made up- this is not fun, guys! my heart sank a little. i so wanted her to enjoy the experience of freely flying through the air. with a little time, and some more coaxing, her mind made a 180-degree turn. she decided to tolerate sitting in the swing chair and very, very small pushes. wasn't long before the pushes were larger and her time on the swings became longer with more smiles and laughs. now we can't walk by the park without her kicking her legs in wild excitement at the sight of the swings. while i can distract her now if there's no time for a quick little swing, i know it won't be long before her protesting cries can be heard around the neighborhood again.
she's independent, this birdie-bird of ours. can't convince her to do anything before she's ready. i love that about her.
Wednesday, August 7
beachy keen
one of the things i loved about the last three houses we lived in was the closeness to some of the most beautiful beaches. at a moment's notice we could head outside, walk for 5-10 minutes and enjoy the sand, waves and sea mist. gosh, i miss it. there's something truly therapeutic about being able to leave everything else behind, physically and mentally, and focusing on your senses while being in that moment. it's cool and calm. plus, i miss watching our pup-pups anxiously squirm as they wait for us to release them off their leashes so they can bolt down the shoreline, barking as they race to catch seagulls. finding sand in every crevice later in the day is a small reminder of the fun and tranquility that was had earlier in the day.
prior to moving to alabama we decided to change things up a bit, opting to live more in the country than by the water. after all- it'd only add minutes and a short car ride to our beach commute. a short little 15 minute drive isn't too shabby. truly a testament of how little we knew about lower alabama. that short little drive is actually a minimum of 45 minutes to the nearest beach. what the what?! we were really spoiled prior to this.
just about every weekend we trek 45 minutes to almost 1.5 hours- depending on the beach- to get our salt water fix. we've come to find that florida has some of the most beautiful beaches we've ever seen, and love that it's become a mini-vacation every time we go. d and i cannot get over how flat the beaches are here in alabama- the terrain and waves. no matter which beach we visit the 80* water gives us some cooling relief from the humid summer heat.
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