it's at this point that i have to admit that i have no idea what i'm doing

preparing for a new baby in your home- no matter which way a child comes to you- opens up a whole new world to the inexperienced. the day that we found out about birdie's much anticipated arrival was our first taste of this. d, sitting on the couch in as much shock as i was, asked me, "well.... what do we do now?" still pacing back in forth in utter disbelief i answer excitedly, "i have no idea! i only know how to get pregnant not be pregnant!" and so this was my first introduction to the unknown world of motherhood.

each month was spent learning about my current, pregnant state. "what to expect when you're expecting" became my first manual and guide into the unknown. in the latter part of pregnancy we added in a birthing class and la leche league meetings. through all of this we learned, well, what to expect. we learned the language of pregnancy and newborns: non-stress tests, group strep b, braxton-hicks, dialation, effacing, stages, apgars ... the list goes on and on. we wrote up my birth plan and all that would entail. yes to this, no to that, ask before proceeding in this scenario. typed, printed and signed. we're ready, i'm ready- let's do this.

then birdie debuts.

she's finally here.

fast forward. in short, things i thought i would never do i end up doing. while i never intended to have a set plan of how to raise our children i learned, quickly, to trust my instincts and not always follow the crowd. it's apparent that some things that work for a friend's child will not always work for my own. not to mention when you hit a rough spot, look for solutions and find very one-sided viewpoints for or against a certain method. there are so many theories on different aspects of child-rearing. for a newbie like myself it can be intimidating. "research finds..." becomes an equally comforting and frustrating phrase. no matter what theory you side with or dip your toes in to explore it seems as though there's always someone bullying, questioning or speaking out against your choice. i've done it. i'm sure most mama's are guilty of it. fortunately birdie doesn't give us any major loops to deal with. she's our easy-peasy baby.

and then some changes occur that are much needed for a happier baby and happier parents.

birdie throws us an expected loop... but a loop nonetheless. our parenting strategy must shift. support is sought, different theories are explored, "research finds...", and questioning begins. and that's fine... and that's expected. but, honestly, when it's 3am and you're exhausted and equally frustrated as your child- if not more- all of that doesn't really help. it's at this point that i have to admit that i have no freaking idea what i'm doing. i start to question how my current approach will effect her in the long run. i question how much longer i can ride this out. i start questioning everything. that's a tough place to be. my saving grace is that children are born with the divine characteristic of being very resilient. i'm hoping that extends to new mama's, too.

birdie celebrates her first birthday in less than a week. (whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?!) the challenge we're facing now will seem like nothing as she continues to grow. i have to remind myself that it's okay to not have a solution right now. finding something that works will take time anyways, right? i'll continue to celebrate the good days and treat the bad ones with a nap and lots of chocolate.

....where did i put those hershey's kisses?

a few words about a few pictures

lost among the numerous folders of pictures that need to be forever archived on another hosting website are these pictures that were never blogged about. (someone please, please, please tie me down and force me to stop being lazy about backing up my pictures before something terrible happens!) it's so hard for me to wrap my head around the following images. they were taken in march. march, people!

to some these are just a few pictures of her first park experience. for me i see these pictures differently- from a mama-point-of-view. trying to memorize and drill those little, subtle details of her in this moment into my brain so they won't be forgotten. her lack of hair... her cankles that look like a busted can of biscuits... her little hand that always pops up... the way she looks so much like d in the first picture... the way she can look so much like d and myself at the same time... the last of her dark, newborn hair hanging on for dear life on the back of her head... the softness of her jacket... the smell of her fuzzy head... the weight of her body...

this mama thing can be rough at times. constantly being forced to move forward while trying not to forgot those little things in the past that you wish you had just a little bit more of and time with. she propels forward into the future no matter how hard much i hold onto her and drag my heels with her past in my other arm. i'm realizing that this may never go away. okay, motherhood, you win this little skirmish.

i can't help but silently giggle at birdie's reaction to her first experience on the swings. i'm sure her disapproving cries could be heard echoing throughout the neighborhood. not even the comfort of this mama's arms could pursue her to enjoy the gentle back-and-forth motion. her mind was made up- this is not fun, guys! my heart sank a little. i so wanted her to enjoy the experience of freely flying through the air. with a little time, and some more coaxing, her mind made a 180-degree turn. she decided to tolerate sitting in the swing chair and very, very small pushes. wasn't long before the pushes were larger and her time on the swings became longer with more smiles and laughs. now we can't walk by the park without her kicking her legs in wild excitement at the sight of the swings. while i can distract her now if there's no time for a quick little swing, i know it won't be long before her protesting cries can be heard around the neighborhood again.

she's independent, this birdie-bird of ours. can't convince her to do anything before she's ready. i love that about her.

All Together Again

d has finally made his way back home to us. i'm very proud to say that he passed his training course and is a nationally registered emt. (woo hoo!) the last 18 months have been a non-stop roller coaster ride of moving- 4 to be exact- and separations while trying to maintain some type of normalcy for raising a little.

i'd be lying if i said i haven't been worried about d and birdie's bond. afterall, they didn't get that time after her birth. he came home from school during her fourth month of life and then had to leave again 4 months later. likewise for d- when he left for school the first time i was very, very pregnant. he became a father over skype, video messages, text messages and facetime. when he came back he suddenly had to get to know this little being while finding his own rhythm of parenting.

at times i would panic over it. i'd keep others from holding birdie as a way to "save her" for d as if she had a limited number of times she could be held by others. i would show her pictures of d everyday. it always made me happy, especially during our last separation, that she would break into a large smile and a quiet little giggle when she saw his face. but, then, a thought would creep into my head- is she smiling because she recognizes him or is she smiling because it's a picture of a person smiling?

the first few hours of d arrival back home was a little difficult. birdie screamed when d said hello to her in  our car at the airport. i chalk this reaction up to a few things- she was mad she was in the car seat, she was tired, i suspected the beginnings of a fever (turned out to be right later that night), and i think she thought d was a doctor. (she had been seen by the doctor a couple times that week- all of them male- and was not thrilled either time. thrilled= understatement.)

with a little bit of time, patience and some reassuring loves from mama- these two were peas in a pod in no time.

in the short time he's been home i no longer worry about their bond. she gives him her biggest grins and belly laughs, shouts to get his attention, cuddles, asks for him to hold her and looooves to rough house with him. she remembers the little games they used to play together. yep, their bond is still intact. my mama-heart is so happy when they're together.