a few words about a few pictures

lost among the numerous folders of pictures that need to be forever archived on another hosting website are these pictures that were never blogged about. (someone please, please, please tie me down and force me to stop being lazy about backing up my pictures before something terrible happens!) it's so hard for me to wrap my head around the following images. they were taken in march. march, people!

to some these are just a few pictures of her first park experience. for me i see these pictures differently- from a mama-point-of-view. trying to memorize and drill those little, subtle details of her in this moment into my brain so they won't be forgotten. her lack of hair... her cankles that look like a busted can of biscuits... her little hand that always pops up... the way she looks so much like d in the first picture... the way she can look so much like d and myself at the same time... the last of her dark, newborn hair hanging on for dear life on the back of her head... the softness of her jacket... the smell of her fuzzy head... the weight of her body...

this mama thing can be rough at times. constantly being forced to move forward while trying not to forgot those little things in the past that you wish you had just a little bit more of and time with. she propels forward into the future no matter how hard much i hold onto her and drag my heels with her past in my other arm. i'm realizing that this may never go away. okay, motherhood, you win this little skirmish.

i can't help but silently giggle at birdie's reaction to her first experience on the swings. i'm sure her disapproving cries could be heard echoing throughout the neighborhood. not even the comfort of this mama's arms could pursue her to enjoy the gentle back-and-forth motion. her mind was made up- this is not fun, guys! my heart sank a little. i so wanted her to enjoy the experience of freely flying through the air. with a little time, and some more coaxing, her mind made a 180-degree turn. she decided to tolerate sitting in the swing chair and very, very small pushes. wasn't long before the pushes were larger and her time on the swings became longer with more smiles and laughs. now we can't walk by the park without her kicking her legs in wild excitement at the sight of the swings. while i can distract her now if there's no time for a quick little swing, i know it won't be long before her protesting cries can be heard around the neighborhood again.

she's independent, this birdie-bird of ours. can't convince her to do anything before she's ready. i love that about her.

We Kept Busy

before d left we had the opportunity to help a friend in need. her family had purchased a house in northern alabama and found themselves pressed for options when their current house sold faster than expected. she and her daughter needed a place to stay to finish out the school year and the dance lessons they had invested in. when we moved to mobile we were given so much help by a family from our church. we decided to pay it forward by hosting our friend and her daughter. it just happened that the time they would need a place would coincide perfectly with d being away. it was wonderful to not be totally alone everyday. birdie had an older playmate and i had a friend to keep me company. we already miss them.

"i don't know how you do it," is the response i get a lot when people ask how i've been doing these last 7 weeks without d. "we keep busy!" is always my overly enthusiastic response. for those who have experienced a separation from their spouse, while still maintaining family life and raising a little one, it just plain sucks most of the time. there are good days. days where the time passes all too quickly and you're laying in bed- exhausted- thinking about all of the things you'll catch up on tomorrow because you had too much fun that day. there are also bad days. days spent in pajamas with a fussy baby on your hip while you yell for the umpteenth time at your dogs for chewing up a cheap little toy. those are the days that seem to drag on. nevertheless, it was still helpful to have a couple extra hands around to bounce a baby while mama was out in the field dragging dogs back in the house, eating nightly meals with people other than a baby, and having company during reallyreallyreallyreally scary storms.

we kept busy, basically, because we didn't have any other choice.

i crafted... a LOT...

i painted our table and chairs. i absolutely love how they turned out- a seafoam green and coral.  

an old picture frame + scrapbook paper= a dry erase board for our kitchen

i jumped on the bandwagon and made a "southern" wreath for our front door.  

our couch got a little more cheery with four newly recovered pillows 

i tried to keep our garden alive... (and succeeded!) 

 marigolds that we grew from seeds 

 yellow squash

my beautiful hibiscus makes me excited for hawaii later this year.  

cherry tomatoes and a pepper- a very small portion of our harvest  

our porch peach tree 

i discovered wild blackberries behind our backyard

we played...

mama read countless books over and over to our little budding bookworm.  

birdie spent lots of time outside in her birthday suit. things are a little more fun when you're in the nude.  

water play with friends. 

won't keep a sun hat on but she'll wear a chef's hat for over an hour.  

her new pretend kitchen 

we napped (mama, too!) a lot.

we spent our evenings on the porch enjoying the weather.  

we laid low for a couple of days while we nursed our furry brother back to health after he suffered a snake bite. (normal paw on left, very swollen paw on right.)  

birdie sat patiently on my lap while mama got a haircut. (love that my new hairdresser was so accommodating to us!)  

birdie turned into a tummy sleeper.  

now that we're at the end of our family separation it seems as if the time has flown by. i'm extremely happy that this is our last separation for a looooong time. 

Excused Absence

it's been awhile with no word from this wifey.

apologies. 

settling in a new home and location is hard work. it's a job that i'm still plugging away at, but i can now see light at the end of the tunnel. there have been new friends, play dates, doctor visits, family walks, church callings and teaching, schedule switch-a-roos, colds, teething, lots of carne asada eating, baking, late nights, developmental milestones, phone calls to california, surfing, road trips, crazy thunderstorms, and falling in love with a new album by a favorite artist. as you can see we've been a little busy. 

in the midst of this a stranger showed up unannounced. at first it was quiet and subtle. then it grew noticeable but was kept in a corner, like a pile of papers waiting to be filed. suddenly it required my full attention. i was prepared for post-partum depression to hit but not this late, and not in this way. it has caused such a disturbance that it's hard to function some days. functioning as a mom has been no problem. but functioning as a wife, friend, sister, daughter? yikes. 

on side, but relevant, note: honestly... i took starting solid foods with birdie very, very hard. part of it i blame on post-partum, another part i blame on having to go through infertility, and the other part i blame on social pressures of being a mom. (and a new one at that!) d and i waited and waited for so stinkin' long to become parents that starting the solid-food milestone is just a tangible reminder- and a strong one- that her babyhood is quickly fading. pressure from outside sources to get her to eat three solid food meals a day seems, to me, intrusive and ..... commercial....? in the end- one la leche league meeting reassured my fears. so, while we'll sloooowly continue with solid foods but not make in a huge focus while she's still under a year old. 

for now my postings will slow down a little until i can get a better grip on this post-partum business. i have a few scheduled posts/ photo dumps that will appear next week in my absence. and despite all of this murkiness there have been so many bright, sunny spots. sweetness between our little trio, or with new friends, have made me stop and relish the moment. the following pictures are proof of that. 

1. a walk with mama and dog-dogs

2. all fancy-faced for church

3. weeeeeeee

4. my two best girls

5. lovin' our huge backyard 

6. one tooth... two tooth... and now we're on to our third

7. a very, very, very late night bath

8. a face i could eat up

9. less than a week away from being a 7-month-old

Stuck in Transition

Since moving to Alabama our mental and emotional states have been on a wild roller coaster with only teeny tiny glimpses of the end. We don't know when the roller coaster will end but we know that the end is somewhere out there. Moving is always stressful and that's a fact.

Our first week here was filled with hotel rooms, house hunting, the flu, pent up dogs, humidity and eating out for every meal. We had a boost in our morale when we got the keys to the house that we'll call home for the next 4-ish years. Then the reality set in that we moved here with what we had in our car. The basics of living and feeding a family of three were not included. Thanks to the aid of lovely new friends we were set up with basic kitchen necessities, air mattresses, bedding and towels. "You love camping!" Devin keeps enthusiastically convincing reminding me. Heh. Sure.

Then the second week hits. Our morale... well, more so mine, is running low. At times it's tanking fast. We've had a heck of a time with a certain refrigerator, still camping in our house because our stuff just barely left Oregon, have to continue to rely on some friends for just about everything, wondering who took our outdoor trashcan and why (seriously), and a baby that's in the beginning stages of teething. All this on top of the daily life stresses.

I'm completely over being stuck in transition. I desperately want our stuff here. I feel like crap typing that sentence because I know that stuff isn't important. (Which I was reminded of earlier this week seconds after running over a squirrel with our car. "Well, our stuff taking forever really isn't important now that I know that squirrel's family is now missing a member," I thought. Being humbled comes in many forms.) But I can't deny how desperately I want to nest our home, hang up clothes in their closets, put rugs down on our floors and wrap Birdie's booty back in her cloth diapers. (I didn't know it was possible to get a headache from the fake baby powder smell that Pampers radiate.) I want to stop waiting and start moving forward. With every thought of frustration I have there's always one that follows that reminds me that things could be worse. It's true... it could be. I know that. I know that we're tried and tested in this world and, lately, we've been the recipients of a lot of pop-quizzes.

One of the great things about the blog world is you get to post only certain things and emotions that you want people to see. There are those blogs out there where the family is always put together, the house is always gorgeous and their life seems pretty fun all around. This isn't one of those blogs. I'm currently without makeup, hair not done, and jeans and a pajama top count as being dressed today. Mila is still in her pj's and I'm loathing the fact that my dogs are in the living room whining loudly to inform me that they need to go out. I know our fridge is leaking water onto the floor but have no desire to go clean it up. There's a bag of clean clothes that need to be put away and a pile of dirty diapers that need to go out. The dust on our window blinds are starting to form their own colonies. Also, I'm starving.

Hey Mr. Roller Coaster Operator- we're ready to get off this ride. Let someone else have a-go. One day we'll smile at this transition phase just like we've done with other tough situations we've been in. Just not today.

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Our Birdie smiles in her sleep... so we got that going for us. 

Halloween

Once October snuck into the picture I started envisioning a trip to the local pumpkin patch with Mila-bird for her first special holiday outing. I was determined to find a cute pumpkin for my little pumpkin. I wanted her festively dressed so I could take 10,000 pictures to mark the occasion (below are a fraction of what I actually took)... because that's what mama's do, right? Well... the pumpkin patch was no longer in business so we settled for a place on a corner. We brought Grandma and cousin Ky along for the fun.

Since D is away I decided to not purchase a costume or carve pumpkins. We'll wait until next year when we can really celebrate together. Instead, Birdie got a couple Halloween outfits to celebrate the day. 

Some doggies were not too happy about having to stay inside while I did a quick Bird-shoot. Since my main subject was completely over her picture being taken for the millionth time I decided to add them into the mix. 

Cousin Ky came over for some trick-or-treating. Mila-bird slept most of the time while Grandma and I went along for the candy to see the decorated houses. 

 Ky dressed as Sally with Zero the Dog. Both from the Nightmare Before Christmas. 

 Snoozin' away

Miss Bird lookin' like her mama when she was a baby!  

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I came across one of our engagement pictures today. 13 weeks of missin' this handsome guy. We're both doing as well as can be, considering. I'm looking forward to being in the count down phase of things but we're not there yet. I can't wait until I can FINALLY get our first picture- together- as a family of three!