oh! heeey!

can we take a second and talk about how super, super, super behind i am on this gosh darn blog? obviously it's true. crickets can be heard for miles, tumbleweeds are blowing by and dust is accumulating on this little web space of mine. (and also around my house but we won't get into that.) there's nothing that states, "i'm crazy busy!" better than a blog that hasn't been updated in over a month.

instead of a million different posts all nicely organized by event- with coordinating pictures of course- here's just a teeny, tiny peek at our life as of late. and by late i mean from june-ish until now. yikes.

row 1: family date night / selling mama-made ring slings / a back-roads walk / birdie's room decor- all mama made.

row 2: pink, sparkly toes / post-bath kissies / packers #1 cheerleader / birthday celebration at a baseball game

row 3: grammy visited / mama made mock up of birdie's flower girl attire / it's still hot in 'bama but it's fall in our house / this guy is getting older and handsomer (new word)

row 4: lots of storms but no hurricanes yet / pre-bedtime story time / visit from auntie / sleep issues finally under control

not pictured: countless mosquito bites, prep for our trip to hawaii (!), countless projects that have been started but not finished, d brewing his own kombucha, keeping up with my young women girls, doing cross fit work outs, watching lots and lots of football with friends, cleaning up after a curious, mobile baby, my new part-time job, playgroups, mila is cruising and finally lovin' table foods, fighting bugs, new tires (!) and all the other day to day stuff that requires attention or randomly pops up. whew.

We Kept Busy

before d left we had the opportunity to help a friend in need. her family had purchased a house in northern alabama and found themselves pressed for options when their current house sold faster than expected. she and her daughter needed a place to stay to finish out the school year and the dance lessons they had invested in. when we moved to mobile we were given so much help by a family from our church. we decided to pay it forward by hosting our friend and her daughter. it just happened that the time they would need a place would coincide perfectly with d being away. it was wonderful to not be totally alone everyday. birdie had an older playmate and i had a friend to keep me company. we already miss them.

"i don't know how you do it," is the response i get a lot when people ask how i've been doing these last 7 weeks without d. "we keep busy!" is always my overly enthusiastic response. for those who have experienced a separation from their spouse, while still maintaining family life and raising a little one, it just plain sucks most of the time. there are good days. days where the time passes all too quickly and you're laying in bed- exhausted- thinking about all of the things you'll catch up on tomorrow because you had too much fun that day. there are also bad days. days spent in pajamas with a fussy baby on your hip while you yell for the umpteenth time at your dogs for chewing up a cheap little toy. those are the days that seem to drag on. nevertheless, it was still helpful to have a couple extra hands around to bounce a baby while mama was out in the field dragging dogs back in the house, eating nightly meals with people other than a baby, and having company during reallyreallyreallyreally scary storms.

we kept busy, basically, because we didn't have any other choice.

i crafted... a LOT...

i painted our table and chairs. i absolutely love how they turned out- a seafoam green and coral.  

an old picture frame + scrapbook paper= a dry erase board for our kitchen

i jumped on the bandwagon and made a "southern" wreath for our front door.  

our couch got a little more cheery with four newly recovered pillows 

i tried to keep our garden alive... (and succeeded!) 

 marigolds that we grew from seeds 

 yellow squash

my beautiful hibiscus makes me excited for hawaii later this year.  

cherry tomatoes and a pepper- a very small portion of our harvest  

our porch peach tree 

i discovered wild blackberries behind our backyard

we played...

mama read countless books over and over to our little budding bookworm.  

birdie spent lots of time outside in her birthday suit. things are a little more fun when you're in the nude.  

water play with friends. 

won't keep a sun hat on but she'll wear a chef's hat for over an hour.  

her new pretend kitchen 

we napped (mama, too!) a lot.

we spent our evenings on the porch enjoying the weather.  

we laid low for a couple of days while we nursed our furry brother back to health after he suffered a snake bite. (normal paw on left, very swollen paw on right.)  

birdie sat patiently on my lap while mama got a haircut. (love that my new hairdresser was so accommodating to us!)  

birdie turned into a tummy sleeper.  

now that we're at the end of our family separation it seems as if the time has flown by. i'm extremely happy that this is our last separation for a looooong time. 

Chin Up

long time, no chat.

d's absence- due to training- leaves me to juggle everything and everyone. while we still have just over two weeks left before it's over this has been the only separation that has flown by. like all of the separations we've had to endure there's always an emergency-like situation that never fails to occur on my watch, usually car or dog related. (dog, this time) despite that, and other events that will not be blogged about, my chin is still up.

in my blogging absence i've gained some gnarly tan lines, mosquito bites, and a slight oreo addiction. i've conquered a bunch of household projects and, yet, somehow that to-do list keeps getting longer instead of shorter. i survived the scariest storm i've ever experienced a hurricane-like storm, alabama's wide array of weird bugs (understatement) and slowly adjusting to the southern heat. i'm gaining control over my post-partum depression, anxiety, and acne. ('cause lord knows i'm not 15 anymore!)  i've been kept busy by a scooting-but-on-the-cusp-of-crawling birdie, dogs that would rather be exploring our backyard creek than inside, church responsibilities, dinner and play date invitations and daily household items that require attention.

quite honestly that's the sugar coated version. we've been presented with a tough obstacle which has been one of the main drives behind my absence. i try to be as open and honest as i can here but there is a boundary line that i don't want to cross. i'm drawing that line here... now.

life always hands us a challenge that seems overwhelming and ridiculously hard. keep your chin up. that's what we're doing over here. i'll be back soon... pinkie promise.

The True Present

I was up late the other night, helping a fellow mama with her new baby via text message. (Yep... text message.) No matter how experienced a mama may be there's always something that pops up that you didn't expect. Something that throws you for a loop that leaves you second guessing things you were so sure were going to happen. When your expectations are thrown out the window it's hard to accept the true present- the reality- of things.

It's some hard stuff, this mama business.

"... I get so darn stuck in it. And I wish I could tell you what you need to do to work through that. But, I can't because I don't know how to do it for myself, " was a partial text that I sent to my mama-friend during our continued conversation, trying my best to reassure her.

I really wish I knew how to do it for myself.

Post-partum depression is kicking me in the butt. Hard. I struggle with the fact that I have it. (And it's clear- I do have it.) Before I was pregnant I always said I would probably get it but after Birdie hit 4-months-old I thought I was in the clear. I thought I would be weepy all of the time. I thought my bond with Birdie would reverse itself. I thought I would be so wishy-washy and undecided in my mothering. Nope... the reality is quite the opposite of what I originally thought which, in itself, is also a challenge. (And a blessing...?)

I don't want to convey a message that I'm constantly stuck in it. The majority of my days are "business as usual," and filled with many wonderful things: a silly, almost crawling baby who snuggles her face into my neck while simultaneously patting my back every time I pick her up. Two dogs who crack me up as they attempt to climb our big oak trees trying to catch a pair a squirrels. A husband that surprises me with a box of my favorite cookies and who sends me funny text messages all day. (Gosh, I love that man!) Those moments are always bright spots.

And then there's a shift.

It could be an external situation or internal... or both... but a shift nonetheless. Suddenly, heavy iron doors start shutting down inside and it's not long before I feel trapped inside myself. My anxiety level raises. It feels like tiny pins inside me are bursting and trying to escape through my skin, and I start checking myself to see if I'm physically shaking. Then my eyes search for the nearest clock. "How long will it last this time?" Every minute that passes feels like an eternity when I'm stuck in it. It's very lonely here. Unbearably lonely. Those wonderful moments and interactions become life preservers thrown out to rescue me but if I reach them I cannot hang onto them long enough. Everything becomes irritable and personally offensive- the glass left out on the counter... the pile of laundry waiting to be folded... a husband asking for assistance... I struggle to control my responses. The only way I know how to survive the shift is to either zone out and refrain from speaking or to clean... obsessively.

I keep checking the clock.

"Ugh, it's only been ___ minutes!" 

It becomes harder to hold on.

"How much longer?!"

Eventually there's another shift.

This one comes on much slower, like the sun slowly melting ice. I begin to hold on to the brights spots and interactions for longer periods. Anxiety settles enough for me to control my breath. I can finally put down the sponge, vacuum and all-purpose cleaner. Those heavy iron doors open enough for me to notice the details around me- the smell of my Anthropologie candle burning, two dogs curled up asleep in their beds, a baby rooting on my chest for a snack... It's finally over.

I remind my new mama friend that eventually things will get better, no matter how hard and difficult things are now. No matter how hard and strenuous the moment is... it'll pass... eventually. I remind myself, too. This wasn't what I really expected, or wanted, but it's the true present... it's the reality.

I glance over at my birdie-girl to see what she's getting into now. She's scooted her way off the living room rug and onto the tile. She flashes me a toothy, cheesy smile. I respond with a similar scrunchy smile back. I'm back in the true present, the one that I want to stay in the most. This is the true present that I welcome.

Excused Absence

it's been awhile with no word from this wifey.

apologies. 

settling in a new home and location is hard work. it's a job that i'm still plugging away at, but i can now see light at the end of the tunnel. there have been new friends, play dates, doctor visits, family walks, church callings and teaching, schedule switch-a-roos, colds, teething, lots of carne asada eating, baking, late nights, developmental milestones, phone calls to california, surfing, road trips, crazy thunderstorms, and falling in love with a new album by a favorite artist. as you can see we've been a little busy. 

in the midst of this a stranger showed up unannounced. at first it was quiet and subtle. then it grew noticeable but was kept in a corner, like a pile of papers waiting to be filed. suddenly it required my full attention. i was prepared for post-partum depression to hit but not this late, and not in this way. it has caused such a disturbance that it's hard to function some days. functioning as a mom has been no problem. but functioning as a wife, friend, sister, daughter? yikes. 

on side, but relevant, note: honestly... i took starting solid foods with birdie very, very hard. part of it i blame on post-partum, another part i blame on having to go through infertility, and the other part i blame on social pressures of being a mom. (and a new one at that!) d and i waited and waited for so stinkin' long to become parents that starting the solid-food milestone is just a tangible reminder- and a strong one- that her babyhood is quickly fading. pressure from outside sources to get her to eat three solid food meals a day seems, to me, intrusive and ..... commercial....? in the end- one la leche league meeting reassured my fears. so, while we'll sloooowly continue with solid foods but not make in a huge focus while she's still under a year old. 

for now my postings will slow down a little until i can get a better grip on this post-partum business. i have a few scheduled posts/ photo dumps that will appear next week in my absence. and despite all of this murkiness there have been so many bright, sunny spots. sweetness between our little trio, or with new friends, have made me stop and relish the moment. the following pictures are proof of that. 

1. a walk with mama and dog-dogs

2. all fancy-faced for church

3. weeeeeeee

4. my two best girls

5. lovin' our huge backyard 

6. one tooth... two tooth... and now we're on to our third

7. a very, very, very late night bath

8. a face i could eat up

9. less than a week away from being a 7-month-old

Stuck in Transition

Since moving to Alabama our mental and emotional states have been on a wild roller coaster with only teeny tiny glimpses of the end. We don't know when the roller coaster will end but we know that the end is somewhere out there. Moving is always stressful and that's a fact.

Our first week here was filled with hotel rooms, house hunting, the flu, pent up dogs, humidity and eating out for every meal. We had a boost in our morale when we got the keys to the house that we'll call home for the next 4-ish years. Then the reality set in that we moved here with what we had in our car. The basics of living and feeding a family of three were not included. Thanks to the aid of lovely new friends we were set up with basic kitchen necessities, air mattresses, bedding and towels. "You love camping!" Devin keeps enthusiastically convincing reminding me. Heh. Sure.

Then the second week hits. Our morale... well, more so mine, is running low. At times it's tanking fast. We've had a heck of a time with a certain refrigerator, still camping in our house because our stuff just barely left Oregon, have to continue to rely on some friends for just about everything, wondering who took our outdoor trashcan and why (seriously), and a baby that's in the beginning stages of teething. All this on top of the daily life stresses.

I'm completely over being stuck in transition. I desperately want our stuff here. I feel like crap typing that sentence because I know that stuff isn't important. (Which I was reminded of earlier this week seconds after running over a squirrel with our car. "Well, our stuff taking forever really isn't important now that I know that squirrel's family is now missing a member," I thought. Being humbled comes in many forms.) But I can't deny how desperately I want to nest our home, hang up clothes in their closets, put rugs down on our floors and wrap Birdie's booty back in her cloth diapers. (I didn't know it was possible to get a headache from the fake baby powder smell that Pampers radiate.) I want to stop waiting and start moving forward. With every thought of frustration I have there's always one that follows that reminds me that things could be worse. It's true... it could be. I know that. I know that we're tried and tested in this world and, lately, we've been the recipients of a lot of pop-quizzes.

One of the great things about the blog world is you get to post only certain things and emotions that you want people to see. There are those blogs out there where the family is always put together, the house is always gorgeous and their life seems pretty fun all around. This isn't one of those blogs. I'm currently without makeup, hair not done, and jeans and a pajama top count as being dressed today. Mila is still in her pj's and I'm loathing the fact that my dogs are in the living room whining loudly to inform me that they need to go out. I know our fridge is leaking water onto the floor but have no desire to go clean it up. There's a bag of clean clothes that need to be put away and a pile of dirty diapers that need to go out. The dust on our window blinds are starting to form their own colonies. Also, I'm starving.

Hey Mr. Roller Coaster Operator- we're ready to get off this ride. Let someone else have a-go. One day we'll smile at this transition phase just like we've done with other tough situations we've been in. Just not today.

 -------------------------------------------------------------------

Our Birdie smiles in her sleep... so we got that going for us. 

Life, Lately, In Snippets

> We had a great first Christmas as a family of three, surrounded by tons of family. It was loud, long, and chaotic. Perfect! This mama scored a new Nikon camera that has already been put to work. 

> On New Year's Eve we said goodbye to California and hello to the open road. With our stuff piled on top and various parts of the car we encountered 10+ hour long days of driving, 4 poop blow outs, two patient dogs and lots and lots of hotels rooms. 

> We stopped in Texas to visit our best friends and their expanding family for a day. They introduced us to Texas BBQ and we wore out their 4 year old and chatted like old times. (Like, the good chats that girls have late at night over bowls of cereal.) C & M- we're still obsessed with how comfy your guest bed was! 

> Saw some serious swamps and quietly giggled at all of the funny accents as we hit the southern states. ("Oh look at that BAY-e-bee!") 

> Our house hunting day was long, stressful and ended with me in urgent care with a 101* fever and early flu symptoms. Just when we were ready to lose it a house came our direction that left us crossing our fingers. 

> Over the weekend we splurged on a new Temperpedic bed and look forward to it arriving next week. We attended our new ward and found everyone to be very lovely and welcoming. We made some new friends and enjoyed a great meal at their house. 

> We've found that Alabama residents are very friendly and are serious about their Roll Tide. Like, dead serious. We enjoy their twangy accents and wouldn't be surprised if we picked up a little one during our time here. We can't go anywhere without people wanting to coo over or flat out steal Mila- bird. For the most part- we're letting them. 

> Doggies have been given the short end of the stick lately. Cooped up in the car and then cooped up in hotel rooms. Ugh. We hate it as much as they do. 

> It's already hot. We're still trying to get over how much our electricity bill will be each month. Plus, the sales tax is high. Ouch. 

> D loves his shop, coworkers and base. We're preparing ourselves for another 7-week separation sometime early this year. 

> My flu symptoms have been manageable up until a couple days ago. (Nicely timed on D's first day at work.) I spent all of Monday between the bed and bathroom. D had to take our dogs to work with him and was able to come home early to help me out. Fortunately, Birdie used that day to catch up on sleep. Thankfully I seem to be on the mend now. 

> More posts to slow come as I'm able. (And with more pictures if I can find my cord) 

Trio

These last few weeks have been insanely busy and very surreal. In addition to preparing for D's arrival back home there's Christmas shopping, packing, organizing, and tying up loose ends intermixed with soaking up time with family.

D finally made his way home over a week ago. We both don't do very well when separated so there was a slight awkwardness when he arrived. Not only do we sort of have to get to know each other again, but there's a new little girl added to the mix. And, honestly, I'm playing down the awkwardness quite a bit.

We filled our first few days with just the three of us running errands and having lunch together. D is already an amazing, sweet, and fun daddy. He's jumped right in and is extremely hands on. (There are many times where he wants to do everything.) I'm even impressed that he takes on cloth diapering and does very well. Mila-bird recognizes her dad's voice and finds him hilarious.

I love these two together. I love watching them play. I especially love watching them cuddle.

I love being a trio.

And Then There Were Three

All of a sudden you are over 3 months old, Miss Bird. Seriously?

You continue to be laid back baby that's easy to please, although we do have some fussy moments.

You discovered your loud singing voice. You enjoy serenading your mama at your 11pm feeding, sometimes lasting for almost an hour. I can't decide if you sing in the car to amuse yourself or cover up your mama's singing but, either way, it's down right adorable. You do it with such enthusisum that at times you sing yourself into dreamland.

You think your hands taste mighty fine, love to look at things while hanging upside-down, and have mastered the art of arching your back when displeased. You're starting to entertain the idea of possibly rolling over... but you don't seem to be in a hurry to practice.

We celebrated your first Thanksgiving, stuffed you in a bucket for your first professional pictures, visited your Nana and Papa, walked down Christmas Tree Lane, played with your first toys and continued to miss your daddy like crazy. It's become known around this house that you have a remarkable knack for being unimpressed at participating in many "firsts." But, a funny noise from grandpa or a glimpse of yourself in the mirror lights you up like a Christmas tree. Sigh.

Everyday we fall more in love with you, Mila.

Perfectly Imperfect (You've Got The Love)

It's one of those days around here.

It's Monday. And I'm tired.

We spend a whirl-wind weekend in the Bay Area. It included two very long drives, two bouts of screaming by a overly tired/ hungry infant (both at times when I couldn't stop or pull over), a GPS that got me lost, extra late nights, and extra exerted energy that's required when traveling with a baby.

It also included lots and lots of family and family friends who were meeting Birdie for the first time. In the midst of enjoying each other's company I tried my best to push away the thought that we will have to part eventually. Visits are never long enough.

It included an extremely short visit with friends who are our surrogate family. Why can't we make it a law that you have to live next door to all of your bestest friends, no matter where life takes you? Seeing them together reminded me how much I miss D. The little kisses, the playfulness, the cuddles. Ouch... I miss that.

It includes a nasty sinus infection. Pressure, runny nose, and gunk of all sorts. I don't really have a voice and if I can squeak anything out I sound like a teenage boy. Hot tea, honey, a netti pot are barely helping.

It includes a Birdie- girl who is tired from being tired. Who wants to nurse more than usual and who wakes the second I put her down. Who graced me with a huge blow out that spread to my already dirty yoga pants. .... Yep... still wearing them.

It includes two wound-up doggies that were angels at the kennel over the weekend but are making me pay today for their built up energy. Duly noted, dogs.

All of this makes one hot mess mama who is just tired. Who wants to shower but is just too lazy. Who is picking fights with D over the details of moving amongst other things. I know he's just as tired as I am.

And, then, in the midst of all this.

Her smile.

You win, little bird.

Let's go do some serious cuddling.

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As of Late

1. a backyard friend
2. crocheting a couple beanies for an upcoming photo shoot
3. cockatoo hair
4. turns out mila-bird just doesn't like paci's.
5. fall has arrived.
6. a new-to-me phone. love.
7. halloween love from nana and papa
8. a dapper pup.