it's at this point that i have to admit that i have no idea what i'm doing

preparing for a new baby in your home- no matter which way a child comes to you- opens up a whole new world to the inexperienced. the day that we found out about birdie's much anticipated arrival was our first taste of this. d, sitting on the couch in as much shock as i was, asked me, "well.... what do we do now?" still pacing back in forth in utter disbelief i answer excitedly, "i have no idea! i only know how to get pregnant not be pregnant!" and so this was my first introduction to the unknown world of motherhood.

each month was spent learning about my current, pregnant state. "what to expect when you're expecting" became my first manual and guide into the unknown. in the latter part of pregnancy we added in a birthing class and la leche league meetings. through all of this we learned, well, what to expect. we learned the language of pregnancy and newborns: non-stress tests, group strep b, braxton-hicks, dialation, effacing, stages, apgars ... the list goes on and on. we wrote up my birth plan and all that would entail. yes to this, no to that, ask before proceeding in this scenario. typed, printed and signed. we're ready, i'm ready- let's do this.

then birdie debuts.

she's finally here.

fast forward. in short, things i thought i would never do i end up doing. while i never intended to have a set plan of how to raise our children i learned, quickly, to trust my instincts and not always follow the crowd. it's apparent that some things that work for a friend's child will not always work for my own. not to mention when you hit a rough spot, look for solutions and find very one-sided viewpoints for or against a certain method. there are so many theories on different aspects of child-rearing. for a newbie like myself it can be intimidating. "research finds..." becomes an equally comforting and frustrating phrase. no matter what theory you side with or dip your toes in to explore it seems as though there's always someone bullying, questioning or speaking out against your choice. i've done it. i'm sure most mama's are guilty of it. fortunately birdie doesn't give us any major loops to deal with. she's our easy-peasy baby.

and then some changes occur that are much needed for a happier baby and happier parents.

birdie throws us an expected loop... but a loop nonetheless. our parenting strategy must shift. support is sought, different theories are explored, "research finds...", and questioning begins. and that's fine... and that's expected. but, honestly, when it's 3am and you're exhausted and equally frustrated as your child- if not more- all of that doesn't really help. it's at this point that i have to admit that i have no freaking idea what i'm doing. i start to question how my current approach will effect her in the long run. i question how much longer i can ride this out. i start questioning everything. that's a tough place to be. my saving grace is that children are born with the divine characteristic of being very resilient. i'm hoping that extends to new mama's, too.

birdie celebrates her first birthday in less than a week. (whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?!) the challenge we're facing now will seem like nothing as she continues to grow. i have to remind myself that it's okay to not have a solution right now. finding something that works will take time anyways, right? i'll continue to celebrate the good days and treat the bad ones with a nap and lots of chocolate.

....where did i put those hershey's kisses?

a few words about a few pictures

lost among the numerous folders of pictures that need to be forever archived on another hosting website are these pictures that were never blogged about. (someone please, please, please tie me down and force me to stop being lazy about backing up my pictures before something terrible happens!) it's so hard for me to wrap my head around the following images. they were taken in march. march, people!

to some these are just a few pictures of her first park experience. for me i see these pictures differently- from a mama-point-of-view. trying to memorize and drill those little, subtle details of her in this moment into my brain so they won't be forgotten. her lack of hair... her cankles that look like a busted can of biscuits... her little hand that always pops up... the way she looks so much like d in the first picture... the way she can look so much like d and myself at the same time... the last of her dark, newborn hair hanging on for dear life on the back of her head... the softness of her jacket... the smell of her fuzzy head... the weight of her body...

this mama thing can be rough at times. constantly being forced to move forward while trying not to forgot those little things in the past that you wish you had just a little bit more of and time with. she propels forward into the future no matter how hard much i hold onto her and drag my heels with her past in my other arm. i'm realizing that this may never go away. okay, motherhood, you win this little skirmish.

i can't help but silently giggle at birdie's reaction to her first experience on the swings. i'm sure her disapproving cries could be heard echoing throughout the neighborhood. not even the comfort of this mama's arms could pursue her to enjoy the gentle back-and-forth motion. her mind was made up- this is not fun, guys! my heart sank a little. i so wanted her to enjoy the experience of freely flying through the air. with a little time, and some more coaxing, her mind made a 180-degree turn. she decided to tolerate sitting in the swing chair and very, very small pushes. wasn't long before the pushes were larger and her time on the swings became longer with more smiles and laughs. now we can't walk by the park without her kicking her legs in wild excitement at the sight of the swings. while i can distract her now if there's no time for a quick little swing, i know it won't be long before her protesting cries can be heard around the neighborhood again.

she's independent, this birdie-bird of ours. can't convince her to do anything before she's ready. i love that about her.

All Together Again

d has finally made his way back home to us. i'm very proud to say that he passed his training course and is a nationally registered emt. (woo hoo!) the last 18 months have been a non-stop roller coaster ride of moving- 4 to be exact- and separations while trying to maintain some type of normalcy for raising a little.

i'd be lying if i said i haven't been worried about d and birdie's bond. afterall, they didn't get that time after her birth. he came home from school during her fourth month of life and then had to leave again 4 months later. likewise for d- when he left for school the first time i was very, very pregnant. he became a father over skype, video messages, text messages and facetime. when he came back he suddenly had to get to know this little being while finding his own rhythm of parenting.

at times i would panic over it. i'd keep others from holding birdie as a way to "save her" for d as if she had a limited number of times she could be held by others. i would show her pictures of d everyday. it always made me happy, especially during our last separation, that she would break into a large smile and a quiet little giggle when she saw his face. but, then, a thought would creep into my head- is she smiling because she recognizes him or is she smiling because it's a picture of a person smiling?

the first few hours of d arrival back home was a little difficult. birdie screamed when d said hello to her in  our car at the airport. i chalk this reaction up to a few things- she was mad she was in the car seat, she was tired, i suspected the beginnings of a fever (turned out to be right later that night), and i think she thought d was a doctor. (she had been seen by the doctor a couple times that week- all of them male- and was not thrilled either time. thrilled= understatement.)

with a little bit of time, patience and some reassuring loves from mama- these two were peas in a pod in no time.

in the short time he's been home i no longer worry about their bond. she gives him her biggest grins and belly laughs, shouts to get his attention, cuddles, asks for him to hold her and looooves to rough house with him. she remembers the little games they used to play together. yep, their bond is still intact. my mama-heart is so happy when they're together.

The True Present

I was up late the other night, helping a fellow mama with her new baby via text message. (Yep... text message.) No matter how experienced a mama may be there's always something that pops up that you didn't expect. Something that throws you for a loop that leaves you second guessing things you were so sure were going to happen. When your expectations are thrown out the window it's hard to accept the true present- the reality- of things.

It's some hard stuff, this mama business.

"... I get so darn stuck in it. And I wish I could tell you what you need to do to work through that. But, I can't because I don't know how to do it for myself, " was a partial text that I sent to my mama-friend during our continued conversation, trying my best to reassure her.

I really wish I knew how to do it for myself.

Post-partum depression is kicking me in the butt. Hard. I struggle with the fact that I have it. (And it's clear- I do have it.) Before I was pregnant I always said I would probably get it but after Birdie hit 4-months-old I thought I was in the clear. I thought I would be weepy all of the time. I thought my bond with Birdie would reverse itself. I thought I would be so wishy-washy and undecided in my mothering. Nope... the reality is quite the opposite of what I originally thought which, in itself, is also a challenge. (And a blessing...?)

I don't want to convey a message that I'm constantly stuck in it. The majority of my days are "business as usual," and filled with many wonderful things: a silly, almost crawling baby who snuggles her face into my neck while simultaneously patting my back every time I pick her up. Two dogs who crack me up as they attempt to climb our big oak trees trying to catch a pair a squirrels. A husband that surprises me with a box of my favorite cookies and who sends me funny text messages all day. (Gosh, I love that man!) Those moments are always bright spots.

And then there's a shift.

It could be an external situation or internal... or both... but a shift nonetheless. Suddenly, heavy iron doors start shutting down inside and it's not long before I feel trapped inside myself. My anxiety level raises. It feels like tiny pins inside me are bursting and trying to escape through my skin, and I start checking myself to see if I'm physically shaking. Then my eyes search for the nearest clock. "How long will it last this time?" Every minute that passes feels like an eternity when I'm stuck in it. It's very lonely here. Unbearably lonely. Those wonderful moments and interactions become life preservers thrown out to rescue me but if I reach them I cannot hang onto them long enough. Everything becomes irritable and personally offensive- the glass left out on the counter... the pile of laundry waiting to be folded... a husband asking for assistance... I struggle to control my responses. The only way I know how to survive the shift is to either zone out and refrain from speaking or to clean... obsessively.

I keep checking the clock.

"Ugh, it's only been ___ minutes!" 

It becomes harder to hold on.

"How much longer?!"

Eventually there's another shift.

This one comes on much slower, like the sun slowly melting ice. I begin to hold on to the brights spots and interactions for longer periods. Anxiety settles enough for me to control my breath. I can finally put down the sponge, vacuum and all-purpose cleaner. Those heavy iron doors open enough for me to notice the details around me- the smell of my Anthropologie candle burning, two dogs curled up asleep in their beds, a baby rooting on my chest for a snack... It's finally over.

I remind my new mama friend that eventually things will get better, no matter how hard and difficult things are now. No matter how hard and strenuous the moment is... it'll pass... eventually. I remind myself, too. This wasn't what I really expected, or wanted, but it's the true present... it's the reality.

I glance over at my birdie-girl to see what she's getting into now. She's scooted her way off the living room rug and onto the tile. She flashes me a toothy, cheesy smile. I respond with a similar scrunchy smile back. I'm back in the true present, the one that I want to stay in the most. This is the true present that I welcome.

Excused Absence

it's been awhile with no word from this wifey.

apologies. 

settling in a new home and location is hard work. it's a job that i'm still plugging away at, but i can now see light at the end of the tunnel. there have been new friends, play dates, doctor visits, family walks, church callings and teaching, schedule switch-a-roos, colds, teething, lots of carne asada eating, baking, late nights, developmental milestones, phone calls to california, surfing, road trips, crazy thunderstorms, and falling in love with a new album by a favorite artist. as you can see we've been a little busy. 

in the midst of this a stranger showed up unannounced. at first it was quiet and subtle. then it grew noticeable but was kept in a corner, like a pile of papers waiting to be filed. suddenly it required my full attention. i was prepared for post-partum depression to hit but not this late, and not in this way. it has caused such a disturbance that it's hard to function some days. functioning as a mom has been no problem. but functioning as a wife, friend, sister, daughter? yikes. 

on side, but relevant, note: honestly... i took starting solid foods with birdie very, very hard. part of it i blame on post-partum, another part i blame on having to go through infertility, and the other part i blame on social pressures of being a mom. (and a new one at that!) d and i waited and waited for so stinkin' long to become parents that starting the solid-food milestone is just a tangible reminder- and a strong one- that her babyhood is quickly fading. pressure from outside sources to get her to eat three solid food meals a day seems, to me, intrusive and ..... commercial....? in the end- one la leche league meeting reassured my fears. so, while we'll sloooowly continue with solid foods but not make in a huge focus while she's still under a year old. 

for now my postings will slow down a little until i can get a better grip on this post-partum business. i have a few scheduled posts/ photo dumps that will appear next week in my absence. and despite all of this murkiness there have been so many bright, sunny spots. sweetness between our little trio, or with new friends, have made me stop and relish the moment. the following pictures are proof of that. 

1. a walk with mama and dog-dogs

2. all fancy-faced for church

3. weeeeeeee

4. my two best girls

5. lovin' our huge backyard 

6. one tooth... two tooth... and now we're on to our third

7. a very, very, very late night bath

8. a face i could eat up

9. less than a week away from being a 7-month-old

Perfectly Imperfect (You've Got The Love)

It's one of those days around here.

It's Monday. And I'm tired.

We spend a whirl-wind weekend in the Bay Area. It included two very long drives, two bouts of screaming by a overly tired/ hungry infant (both at times when I couldn't stop or pull over), a GPS that got me lost, extra late nights, and extra exerted energy that's required when traveling with a baby.

It also included lots and lots of family and family friends who were meeting Birdie for the first time. In the midst of enjoying each other's company I tried my best to push away the thought that we will have to part eventually. Visits are never long enough.

It included an extremely short visit with friends who are our surrogate family. Why can't we make it a law that you have to live next door to all of your bestest friends, no matter where life takes you? Seeing them together reminded me how much I miss D. The little kisses, the playfulness, the cuddles. Ouch... I miss that.

It includes a nasty sinus infection. Pressure, runny nose, and gunk of all sorts. I don't really have a voice and if I can squeak anything out I sound like a teenage boy. Hot tea, honey, a netti pot are barely helping.

It includes a Birdie- girl who is tired from being tired. Who wants to nurse more than usual and who wakes the second I put her down. Who graced me with a huge blow out that spread to my already dirty yoga pants. .... Yep... still wearing them.

It includes two wound-up doggies that were angels at the kennel over the weekend but are making me pay today for their built up energy. Duly noted, dogs.

All of this makes one hot mess mama who is just tired. Who wants to shower but is just too lazy. Who is picking fights with D over the details of moving amongst other things. I know he's just as tired as I am.

And, then, in the midst of all this.

Her smile.

You win, little bird.

Let's go do some serious cuddling.

---

Poop Post, Part Deux

I wanted to do an update to my last post about cloth diapering. In that post I stated that we were using- at one point- four different cloth diapers: Baby City, ProRaps, Fuzzibunz, and KaWaii. Mila-bird grew out of ProRaps within 3 weeks as the size that I had was for newborns only. That left Baby City, Fuzzibunz and KaWaii.

Since my last post the Baby City diapers (pictured above) gave out on me. While doing a wash I noticed that the inside of the diaper was de-laminating. I tried a higher tumble dry but had no luck. De-lam can happen in two ways: the diaper was not being dried at the proper temperature or there was a manufacturing issue. I KNOW that the first option was not the problem as I line dried these. The second option is the issue since these diapers are not a name brand, came straight from the manufacturer in China and cost me about $12 for 9 of them. I knew this prior to purchasing them but some people had good, long-lasting results so I figured I'd give them a whirl. I will miss the fun colors, stretchy close tabs and how fast they line dry. I will not miss the leaks, cheap material, lack of inserts (didn't come with any) and the bulkiness of the diaper.

Bottom line: I wouldn't purchase these again and would not recommend them for someone who is new to cloth diapering.

This also means that I'm officially done using my prefolds. (Pictured below) I was using these as inserts for the Baby City diapers. Sure, I can still use them as inserts as needed but, for now, they will remain packed away for the next baby to use.

So, it was now back to deciding which diaper to invest in. In the end I went with buying 12 more KaWaii Heavy Duty One Size diapers. (A $72 purchase) That brings my total diaper stash to 18 KaWaii diapers and 6 Fuzzibunz One Size Elite.

Ultimately I decided to go with this brand for the price per diaper, ease of use, washing instructions, and overall performance on Birdie. Each diaper came with 2 micofiber inserts. I still like my Fuzzibunz diapers but I'm starting to question if they'll fit Birdie's booty until she's about 2 years old... they look really tiny compared to KaWaii.

Here's a few extra thoughts that have popped into my head:

- It's important to wash according the the manufacturer's instructions but you can still vary how you wash within that. How one mama washes her baby's diapers may not work for you. Mila-bird is a heavy wetter so I do more soaks, extra rinses, and sun bleach to keep the ammonia smell/ build up in check.

- Cloth diapers RARELY produce a diaper rash. If there's a diaper rash situation one might want to look into what you're eating (if breastfeeding) or how good of a wash your diapers are getting. Usually one needs to strip the diapers completely as something is building up on them. The only rash Birdie has had was from when I was downing fruit Odwalla drinks everyday. Once I stopped her rash disappeared.

- Cloth diapered babies need to be changed more frequently than disposable. Disposables are designed to wick moisture away from the baby as they're in the diaper, making it last longer. Cloth diapers are not made to do that- babies feel what they're sitting in. I change Birdie's diaper every 2-3 hours no matter what as it's usually pretty done by then. Some families need to change every hour, hence the need for so many cloth diapers. (Minimum of 24 is recommended in a stash) With my new KaWaii purchase I've pushed my washing from every other day to every two days.

- Cloth diapers are much bulkier than disposable, especially when you add in extra inserts. For Birdie, I've added two inserts to her Fuzzibunz for better performance... but it doesn't mean it's lasts longer. I stick to one insert for her KaWaii diapers. Because they're bulkier you might have to go up a size in clothing, particularly outfits with little pants like this:

This Carter's outfit is a 6 month size. The onesie will last her awhile as there's still length left to growing into. The pants may not last as long depending on how she grows. We'll have to see. She still fits into some 3 month onesies but in little pants I have to buy a 6 month size to allot extra bulk from her diaper. (And maybe it's just me but I've noticed that Carter's clothes run a little big.)

Cloth diapering isn't for everyone. It can seem very overwhelming, a little odd and even gross to some. My posts on this topic are merely for those who have inquired about how it works. Bottom line- we love how well it works for our family.

For the Invisible Ones

 Pics via google images

Today my thoughts are with the invisible ones. 

The ones who had, but lost... however the loss happened.

Those were born to be one but are still not.

Maybe, someday. 


Soon. 


Hopefully.

Those who desire so strongly that if one were to drain that desire from their blood they would wither away... like dust. 

This one is for the invisible ones who did everything they could to get through May 8th like it was just a normal day. 

I feel ya, girls. 

I was right there with you, too. 


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