Killing You Softly

Tonight* is no different from any other night. It's coming up upon midnight and I'm still awake, with a slim chance of falling asleep within the next hour. (Maybe even two hours) I know exactly why I have insomnia but that's a whole other blog post that will not be published anytime soon. 

Like I said- tonight is not different than any other night... true... but it dawned on me today that this is the sixth consecutive month that I've had to deal with insomnia. 


Six months. 

The first three months I stuck it out as best as I could. Don't get me wrong- it was really difficult. It's hard enough to try to calm yourself down, or to find a stopping point in your day, to get to a point where you're ready for bed. Then you wait... and wait... and wait. Then nothing. Nothing happens at all. 

The late night news comes on.... nothing. 


The block of re-runs starts... and nothing. 

Once I hit the "paid programming" hours I'm torn between lack-of-sleep frustration and the fact that, yes!, I do need a device that is a strainer AND colander in one. Dang it! My purse is in the car! 

Three months of sleeping in until 11am and scheduling my life later in the day became old fast. Insert Unisom. It works very well. The latter part of the last six months has been easier because of it. 


Prior to the past six months I never had insomnia. Sure, I've had some nights where I'm stuck counting sheep, but nothing that touched the beginnings of insomnia. While I was counting sheep my mind naturally starts to wander in and out of various thoughts. This is what I dislike most about insomnia- besides the not sleeping part- .....the fact that your mind doesn't turn off. At least for me. 



At this time of night all of the thoughts from the day flood my brain. "Did I say the right thing? Should I have handled ___ differently? Why did I forget dog food? What if __ happens? Will I remember to thaw out chicken breast in the morning or should I write myself a note? How long until ___ ... and what if ___?"

This picture hangs in our spare bedroom. It's by Michael Sieben- my (well, our) favorite artist. In addition to being a great, unique artist Michael is a pretty awesome guy. D bought this picture for me for my birthday awhile back. He even had it signed!. It's one of my most favorite things that he's ever given me.

The small head represents the thoughts that keep you up at night... they kill you. Slowly and softly. These past six months have been killing me ever so slowly and softly. The anxieties and worries contribute to the insomnia, and the insomnia cues the anxieties and worries.

Outsiders reading this post might be thinking, "Crap! What the heck has her so worked up?" To which I say, "Ha! Take a seat while I explain..." In all honesty the worries and anxieties have a more of a dull, quiet presence than a complete roadblock in my daily functions.

Will the insomnia ever end?

Yes.

Hopefully, yes.

The past week or so has been getting slightly better. Bedtime is coming in sights at 12am instead of 2 or 3 am. I've been dreaming more at night and have been able to recall bits and pieces of them the followling day. Instead of nesting myself on the couch I've been finding myself heading to the ACTUAL bed. Even reading for a little bit makes my eyelids heavy.

I know that insomnia will go away eventually. I also know that the anxieties and worries will still be hanging out, too. They just won't be sharing the couch with me while order a strainer AND colander at 3 am.
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*I published this post the following day.

For the Invisible Ones

 Pics via google images

Today my thoughts are with the invisible ones. 

The ones who had, but lost... however the loss happened.

Those were born to be one but are still not.

Maybe, someday. 


Soon. 


Hopefully.

Those who desire so strongly that if one were to drain that desire from their blood they would wither away... like dust. 

This one is for the invisible ones who did everything they could to get through May 8th like it was just a normal day. 

I feel ya, girls. 

I was right there with you, too. 


Comments turned off. 

Girls Weekend

Last weekend, E, J and I had a girls weekend. We went to dinner one night, had an unexpected sleepover, spent the day around town and then topped the night off with dinner and movie. I meant to take more pictures but was distracted by the fact that the sun was ACTUALLY out. 


Being that we're in a smaller (understatement) town I was surprised that D and I have not yet made it to the OTHER side of the river to see the Peter Iredale wreck. Some of this was vaguely familiar since the last (and first) time I was at the Peter Iredale was when I was...umm... 4? 5? Something to that effect.

 View of Washington from the Oregon side. (White building on mountain top is above our house) This is a great view of the mouth of the Columbia River- only 4 miles wide! (That's big, by the way)

 Two of my favorite ladies: J and E

 The South Jetty. (A lot of my pictures are of the North Jetty since, well, we live by it)

 A hot- mess, freeeeeezing cold Wifey

 Blue skies!!!

 J

 This is the Peter Iredale wreck. (It's a boat if you can't tell) Pretty cool and a lot bigger than it looks.

 J+Wifey+E

 We spent more time taking crazy pictures than really checking out the boat.

 Me doing my fav pose

 E wind surfing

 J

 E+ J

So Sorry, February

Whoa! Where has the time gone? Not only did I not post in February but now March is almost over! 

February was a really fun month if only for the fact that I turned the big 2-5. I love that D and I celebrate birthday weeks instead of just one day. Since D had to work on my actual birthday, he decided to take me out of town a few days earlier to go shopping. Although it's only happened twice (counting this time) I absolutely love walking into a store and hearing D say, "Get whatever you want." Love. Him. 

I found a really cute pair of boots that I've had my eye on. I fell even more in love with them when I found out they were 85% off. When the sales lady announced the final price D blurted out, "Oh let's get you MORE boots!" I ended the day with just one pair of the aforementioned boots, new body lotion, and a fancy schmancy set of pots and pans. 

My actual birth- day was super special because I woke up to SNOW! For once our weather forecaster was right- we ended up with a few inches of snow that stuck around for more than a few days. It was so much fun to just watch the snow fall all day after being treated to breakfast by a great friend.

 About to cross into Astoria

 Our backyard. Snowing so hard you can't see the water!

 I watched little birds for hours.

The dogs and I went exploring most of the afternoon

 The day after my birthday, D and I met up with our friends, J & E, at our new favorite restaurant, Supper Club. The atmosphere is so fun and quirky, but I think the bar area is so cozy and cute. 

D, J, E and I had a ton of fun laughing and eating. We're so lucky to have made such good friends! 

 E and Wifey*

 J and Wifey

 Three hot-mess girls who can't take a decent picture together.

 This is the best face I could get out of five picture with D. Seriously. 

 But, two days later, I got my new favorite "us" picture... even though I took it in a parking lot before we got more goods to feed our addiction.

* I have a serious problem with keeping my eyes open for flash pictures!

Rehab

We're outrageously slightly addicted to Safeway's artisan blueberry muffins. 

The picture of D above shows $25 worth of muffins. 

We seriously considered buying all of them. 

After a- literally- 10 minute discussion/ debate... 

... we left with one box. 

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Okay, okay... two boxes. 

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And someone might have gone back a few days later for another box.

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... Alright so MAYBE it was two boxes. 

Let the Record Show

Today I'm putting on my big girl panties and dealing with it.

Well... at least talking awknowledging processing it.

Here's hoping that 2:00pm comes quickly today and that I maintain composure until then.

And that's all the information I'm willing to share.

(Hey I got to have some sort of control with an out-of-control, ongoing issue.)

Before and After

Most of the rooms in our house are painted. We kept the remaining rooms white as a way to save ourselves time and work when we have to leave base housing. (We'll have to paint every room back to white.) One of the rooms that we left white is our bathroom. 

In some ways I regret not painting it back when we first moved in. It's definitely way too late to start now because we really have no idea how much longer we'll be here. Why paint if we could be out of here next month?

To compensate, I tried my best to spruce up the bare walls with color. I'm not sure if it was today's sunshine- after weeks and weeks of rain/ fog/ mist/ clouds- that inspired a change, or if the bathroom's previous decor just got to me. Either way it's proof that $15 bucks and recycling a few your own pieces can brighten up a room... and your day.

Before: 

After: 

I love how the tangerine shower curtain brightens everything up. I also love the way the orange, green and chocolate brown compliment each other. I wish I could post the smell from the new candles- all three create a tropical scent that linger down the hall. 

Our living room has a new addition as well. We've had blue and white plaid couches since we were engaged. They were handed down to us by D's family, and have been through a few newlyweds before us. Although comfortable, our previous couches were not...er... our taste.

 We've mulled over buying new couches for a long time but just haven't decided on when the best time would be. Fortunately, our friend, J, is getting ready to move across the country and offered her three-piece sectional to us. We ab-sol-ute-ly love the new couch. D and I can actually sit together and cuddle. (Cuddle!) Our old couches weren't the best for that. 

Today I picked up a couple of new accents pillows.