Chin Up

long time, no chat.

d's absence- due to training- leaves me to juggle everything and everyone. while we still have just over two weeks left before it's over this has been the only separation that has flown by. like all of the separations we've had to endure there's always an emergency-like situation that never fails to occur on my watch, usually car or dog related. (dog, this time) despite that, and other events that will not be blogged about, my chin is still up.

in my blogging absence i've gained some gnarly tan lines, mosquito bites, and a slight oreo addiction. i've conquered a bunch of household projects and, yet, somehow that to-do list keeps getting longer instead of shorter. i survived the scariest storm i've ever experienced a hurricane-like storm, alabama's wide array of weird bugs (understatement) and slowly adjusting to the southern heat. i'm gaining control over my post-partum depression, anxiety, and acne. ('cause lord knows i'm not 15 anymore!)  i've been kept busy by a scooting-but-on-the-cusp-of-crawling birdie, dogs that would rather be exploring our backyard creek than inside, church responsibilities, dinner and play date invitations and daily household items that require attention.

quite honestly that's the sugar coated version. we've been presented with a tough obstacle which has been one of the main drives behind my absence. i try to be as open and honest as i can here but there is a boundary line that i don't want to cross. i'm drawing that line here... now.

life always hands us a challenge that seems overwhelming and ridiculously hard. keep your chin up. that's what we're doing over here. i'll be back soon... pinkie promise.

The True Present

I was up late the other night, helping a fellow mama with her new baby via text message. (Yep... text message.) No matter how experienced a mama may be there's always something that pops up that you didn't expect. Something that throws you for a loop that leaves you second guessing things you were so sure were going to happen. When your expectations are thrown out the window it's hard to accept the true present- the reality- of things.

It's some hard stuff, this mama business.

"... I get so darn stuck in it. And I wish I could tell you what you need to do to work through that. But, I can't because I don't know how to do it for myself, " was a partial text that I sent to my mama-friend during our continued conversation, trying my best to reassure her.

I really wish I knew how to do it for myself.

Post-partum depression is kicking me in the butt. Hard. I struggle with the fact that I have it. (And it's clear- I do have it.) Before I was pregnant I always said I would probably get it but after Birdie hit 4-months-old I thought I was in the clear. I thought I would be weepy all of the time. I thought my bond with Birdie would reverse itself. I thought I would be so wishy-washy and undecided in my mothering. Nope... the reality is quite the opposite of what I originally thought which, in itself, is also a challenge. (And a blessing...?)

I don't want to convey a message that I'm constantly stuck in it. The majority of my days are "business as usual," and filled with many wonderful things: a silly, almost crawling baby who snuggles her face into my neck while simultaneously patting my back every time I pick her up. Two dogs who crack me up as they attempt to climb our big oak trees trying to catch a pair a squirrels. A husband that surprises me with a box of my favorite cookies and who sends me funny text messages all day. (Gosh, I love that man!) Those moments are always bright spots.

And then there's a shift.

It could be an external situation or internal... or both... but a shift nonetheless. Suddenly, heavy iron doors start shutting down inside and it's not long before I feel trapped inside myself. My anxiety level raises. It feels like tiny pins inside me are bursting and trying to escape through my skin, and I start checking myself to see if I'm physically shaking. Then my eyes search for the nearest clock. "How long will it last this time?" Every minute that passes feels like an eternity when I'm stuck in it. It's very lonely here. Unbearably lonely. Those wonderful moments and interactions become life preservers thrown out to rescue me but if I reach them I cannot hang onto them long enough. Everything becomes irritable and personally offensive- the glass left out on the counter... the pile of laundry waiting to be folded... a husband asking for assistance... I struggle to control my responses. The only way I know how to survive the shift is to either zone out and refrain from speaking or to clean... obsessively.

I keep checking the clock.

"Ugh, it's only been ___ minutes!" 

It becomes harder to hold on.

"How much longer?!"

Eventually there's another shift.

This one comes on much slower, like the sun slowly melting ice. I begin to hold on to the brights spots and interactions for longer periods. Anxiety settles enough for me to control my breath. I can finally put down the sponge, vacuum and all-purpose cleaner. Those heavy iron doors open enough for me to notice the details around me- the smell of my Anthropologie candle burning, two dogs curled up asleep in their beds, a baby rooting on my chest for a snack... It's finally over.

I remind my new mama friend that eventually things will get better, no matter how hard and difficult things are now. No matter how hard and strenuous the moment is... it'll pass... eventually. I remind myself, too. This wasn't what I really expected, or wanted, but it's the true present... it's the reality.

I glance over at my birdie-girl to see what she's getting into now. She's scooted her way off the living room rug and onto the tile. She flashes me a toothy, cheesy smile. I respond with a similar scrunchy smile back. I'm back in the true present, the one that I want to stay in the most. This is the true present that I welcome.

Bits & Pieces of Bama- Photo Dump

1. this one can be filed under, "creepy things you find in your backyard"
2. large tree in our backyard- complete with tire swing and zip line
3. an alabama sunset
4. random swamps
5. country roads
6. a local

It Ended With A Bowl of Cereal- Photo Dump

On our great trek across the lower states we made a full pit-stop in Texas to see our favorite family, the Hamiltons. It seems like yesterday Megan was moving into a room in my little college house. Then, in a blink of an eye and countless moves between the two of us, here we were with our own little families... her's quickly expanding with the addition of a baby girl coming any minute now (!!). Mila and Hayden played as best can be expected from a 4 (!) year old and 4 month old. Cory and Megan took us to our first BBQ experience. Boy, they did not disappoint! Salt Lick- we WILL be back... one day. 

After stuffing our manly/ pregnant/ nursing faces we retired back to their home, where they graciously put us up for the night. We ended our night with bowls of cereal and gabbed late into the night, just as we used to back in the day. It was a perfect day in Texas.

On Your Marks, Get Set... GO! Photo Dump

Bits and pieces from our big move from California to Alabama...

1. a jump for joy in arizona
2. lone tee-pee in new mexico
3. bearded hubs and his baby girl
4. my inner firework pyro rejoices
5. had the pleasure of sitting next to this little lady for the ride
6. dog-dogs waiting for a quick play sesh
7. monument in texas
8. driving over swamps in louisiana
9. a peek at mexico from over a beige wall

Excused Absence

it's been awhile with no word from this wifey.

apologies. 

settling in a new home and location is hard work. it's a job that i'm still plugging away at, but i can now see light at the end of the tunnel. there have been new friends, play dates, doctor visits, family walks, church callings and teaching, schedule switch-a-roos, colds, teething, lots of carne asada eating, baking, late nights, developmental milestones, phone calls to california, surfing, road trips, crazy thunderstorms, and falling in love with a new album by a favorite artist. as you can see we've been a little busy. 

in the midst of this a stranger showed up unannounced. at first it was quiet and subtle. then it grew noticeable but was kept in a corner, like a pile of papers waiting to be filed. suddenly it required my full attention. i was prepared for post-partum depression to hit but not this late, and not in this way. it has caused such a disturbance that it's hard to function some days. functioning as a mom has been no problem. but functioning as a wife, friend, sister, daughter? yikes. 

on side, but relevant, note: honestly... i took starting solid foods with birdie very, very hard. part of it i blame on post-partum, another part i blame on having to go through infertility, and the other part i blame on social pressures of being a mom. (and a new one at that!) d and i waited and waited for so stinkin' long to become parents that starting the solid-food milestone is just a tangible reminder- and a strong one- that her babyhood is quickly fading. pressure from outside sources to get her to eat three solid food meals a day seems, to me, intrusive and ..... commercial....? in the end- one la leche league meeting reassured my fears. so, while we'll sloooowly continue with solid foods but not make in a huge focus while she's still under a year old. 

for now my postings will slow down a little until i can get a better grip on this post-partum business. i have a few scheduled posts/ photo dumps that will appear next week in my absence. and despite all of this murkiness there have been so many bright, sunny spots. sweetness between our little trio, or with new friends, have made me stop and relish the moment. the following pictures are proof of that. 

1. a walk with mama and dog-dogs

2. all fancy-faced for church

3. weeeeeeee

4. my two best girls

5. lovin' our huge backyard 

6. one tooth... two tooth... and now we're on to our third

7. a very, very, very late night bath

8. a face i could eat up

9. less than a week away from being a 7-month-old

And Then I Realized I Was One of Them

A couple weeks ago I was exchanging pleasantries with a woman that I had seen a few times at our church. Waiting for our instructional class to start we started chatting, both of us holding our sleeping littles in our arms. (Her child being their youngest)

Our conversation, naturally, turned to our kids. Just like most everyone else we meet while out and about she asked me if Birdie was a good eater, sleeper and such. I responded with simple answers. "So, have you figured out which kind you are?" My mind went blank.

"Uh.... I'm... A...girl...?" Was my first thought. Clearly she could see that and wasn't referring to my gender.

"I'm sorry... What kind of what?" I asked.

She replied, "Oh, have you figured out what kind of parent you are yet?"

Well, heh, that's a new one I haven't been asked.

After a little more prompting on my part I answered her question: "... exclusively breastfeeding but I do pump for storage... We co-sleep.... Oh, no, she's usually in my arms through out most of the day... Yes, I typically hold or lay next to her during naps unless we're out... We only really let her cry it out if we're in the car, and only until we're able to safely stop...." Yes on that, no we don't do that, yada, yada, yada...

"Oh!!! You guys do attachment parenting! We do that as well!" My new friend happily proclaimed. At that moment our attention was called by the instructor who was beginning to start his lesson. She mouthed, "We'll chat later," to me and promptly turned around.

Meanwhile, I was increasingly becoming confused. "What. The. What?! How the heck did I just get thrown into the attachment parenting category?! Those people are weird hippy parents who, like, don't own televisions and do... weird... hippy stuff!" I thought. Seven-ish minutes later I was in the mother's room. While Birdie was enjoying a mid-morning snack I was on my phone googling "attachment parenting."

And then it hit me. I was one of them. Aw, crap, how did this happen? Why did I not know this? I was confused... Was I happy to have this label or ... not? I didn't know. I mean, yeah, we do everything that is categorized as attachment parenting but some things we don't do all the way... Or 100% of the time.

Fast forward to earlier this week. Mentioning that we don't let Birdie "cry it out" to a family friend got this person instantly spitting out reasons why we should and how it's wrong of us to do so. I explained, sweetly, our reasons why we don't. Before I changed the conversation this person was getting pretty heated in her argument. I didn't take it personally and found her reaction almost humorous. This is not the first time we've been in this situation with someone.

I've been thinking about these two things the past week or so. I think it's so interesting how strongly parents feel about how other people parent. Is it for validatation purposes? As though everyone not doing it a certain way is wrong because that's not the way you're doing it? Is it an intimidation thing? Like someone you respect, for example, puts their baby on a very precise sleeping schedule and because you don't, or can't, the other person is automatically not parenting correctly?

I know I'm only 5 months into this whole parenting thing and so it could be argued that my knowledge and experience is extremely limited. It's true in some ways. However... Just like every other mother I know what works best for my child and our family. I parent the way that has come natural to me. I know I'm parenting correctly as I love my child, she's clean, fed, has shelter and is safe... Her basic needs are constantly met.

Every child is different and, I feel, doesn't always fall under one parenting category. This is what works for us now. Who knows- maybe in a few years we switch to a different theory. Or maybe we don't. Chances are we'll pick up lots of different tools that we'll throw into our parenting backpack. (Like Dora the Explorer's bag only it doesn't sing and, also, is not annoying) As our Bird grows or situations arise we can pick and pull from that bag the different ways to go about things.

Hi, my name is Wifey and I (we) practice attachment parenting.

Whew! The first step is admittance...