it's at this point that i have to admit that i have no idea what i'm doing

preparing for a new baby in your home- no matter which way a child comes to you- opens up a whole new world to the inexperienced. the day that we found out about birdie's much anticipated arrival was our first taste of this. d, sitting on the couch in as much shock as i was, asked me, "well.... what do we do now?" still pacing back in forth in utter disbelief i answer excitedly, "i have no idea! i only know how to get pregnant not be pregnant!" and so this was my first introduction to the unknown world of motherhood.

each month was spent learning about my current, pregnant state. "what to expect when you're expecting" became my first manual and guide into the unknown. in the latter part of pregnancy we added in a birthing class and la leche league meetings. through all of this we learned, well, what to expect. we learned the language of pregnancy and newborns: non-stress tests, group strep b, braxton-hicks, dialation, effacing, stages, apgars ... the list goes on and on. we wrote up my birth plan and all that would entail. yes to this, no to that, ask before proceeding in this scenario. typed, printed and signed. we're ready, i'm ready- let's do this.

then birdie debuts.

she's finally here.

fast forward. in short, things i thought i would never do i end up doing. while i never intended to have a set plan of how to raise our children i learned, quickly, to trust my instincts and not always follow the crowd. it's apparent that some things that work for a friend's child will not always work for my own. not to mention when you hit a rough spot, look for solutions and find very one-sided viewpoints for or against a certain method. there are so many theories on different aspects of child-rearing. for a newbie like myself it can be intimidating. "research finds..." becomes an equally comforting and frustrating phrase. no matter what theory you side with or dip your toes in to explore it seems as though there's always someone bullying, questioning or speaking out against your choice. i've done it. i'm sure most mama's are guilty of it. fortunately birdie doesn't give us any major loops to deal with. she's our easy-peasy baby.

and then some changes occur that are much needed for a happier baby and happier parents.

birdie throws us an expected loop... but a loop nonetheless. our parenting strategy must shift. support is sought, different theories are explored, "research finds...", and questioning begins. and that's fine... and that's expected. but, honestly, when it's 3am and you're exhausted and equally frustrated as your child- if not more- all of that doesn't really help. it's at this point that i have to admit that i have no freaking idea what i'm doing. i start to question how my current approach will effect her in the long run. i question how much longer i can ride this out. i start questioning everything. that's a tough place to be. my saving grace is that children are born with the divine characteristic of being very resilient. i'm hoping that extends to new mama's, too.

birdie celebrates her first birthday in less than a week. (whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?!) the challenge we're facing now will seem like nothing as she continues to grow. i have to remind myself that it's okay to not have a solution right now. finding something that works will take time anyways, right? i'll continue to celebrate the good days and treat the bad ones with a nap and lots of chocolate.

....where did i put those hershey's kisses?