Number 1-11

It's quiet on my blog. I can almost hear crickets. 


Our days and weeks are very repetitive. Rather than post the same thing over and over- new car, walks, nice weather, Harry Potter marathon, dogs, recipes, etc- I've just left things quiet. 


Despite the repetitiveness- we have been weirdly busy... because there's always something. Honestly- I'm tired of the something. 

Anyways. 


Most of my days have been spent in a corner. This one, to be exact: 

(Oh... you noticed the classy paint job? It greatly saddens me. I. hate. white. walls.) 

Let me take a moment to break this picture down for you.  

 #1: Two JoAnn's bags filled with new supplies, although some purchased items were not entirely necessary.  There are two more bags tucked away in that blue tote peeking out the side of the couch.

#2: Tee- shirts that are soon to be made into reuseable bags. 

#3: My "inspiration" journal. It's packed full of crafting ideas and snippets of pictures/ quotes/ etc. that inspire. (Maybe a little too well?) The papers under it are new projects that need to be added to the book. 

#4: Trash/ scrap pile

#5: Edge of my leather ottoman that contains one half-finished crocheted blanket, and a crocheted scarf that I've seem to abandon. For now. Or at least the past 7? 8? months. 

#6: One finished project from #2... but the test dummy. It may or may not be filled will more crafting supplies... that I may or may not have purchased today. 

#7: Two onesies- that are almost done- sitting on top one of many bins containing material. 

#8: Remote that controls Netflix that I'm constantly losing in the mix of this mess. 

#9: The c-l-a-s-s-y white wall that needs a second coat. 

#10: My notes of where I left off on different projects. Or notes of what I might want to do next. This is separate from #3. Also- 2 of 4 pairs of scissors that are floating around in that corner. 

#11: And a Roo-roo butt. You know... for good measure. 

Not pictured: the five mounds of laundry that are split between two rooms, the clean dishes that need to be put away/ the dirty ones that need to be loaded, a car that needs to be washed, a dining room table that needs to shed a few piles of papers, aaaaand packing that needs to commence. 

Pruning

I was really fortunate to have my maternal grandmother live in neighboring town my whole life. It was a small(er) town that boasted miles and miles of farmland. She, too, lived on a decent- sized farm plot that had rows and rows of almond and pecan trees. It was a great place (and space) for school-aged kiddos, like my brother and me, to romp around and play. 

In her large front yard she had a few olive trees. If I had to guess I'd say that the olive trees were already present when my grandmother purchased her house. She certainly didn't utilize the olives that it produced, and spent most of the time complaining about the mess the dropping make. But for a young Wifey they were the perfect tree(s) to climb. 


I remember one day my grandmother allowing me to prune the tree. Why? Not sure. I assume it was mostly driven by: my boredom, my grandmother sucking me in with "a special job," and, most importantly, getting to use some huge cutting shears. My grandmother briefly explained that cutting back some of the old, withering limbs would help new ones to grow in, and keep the tree healthy. 

So, I sat in the tree with cutting shears. 


And I pruned. And pruned. And pruned. 


After coming back to check on me my grandmother exclaimed that I did my job a little too well and that I should move on to another olive tree. She explained that pruning too much might traumatize the tree so much that it won't grow. (I'm paraphrasing here. I'm sure my grandmother didn't use the word "traumatize.")  

Fast forward to the present. Specifically the past few months. Being that we're far away from our family and close, close friends we've had to branch out and create new friends from scratch. Living in a mostly isolated area- and in the military- I've/ we've had to rely on our friends more than we traditionally would. They become more than just friends or close friends- they, essentially, become our family. 

It's interesting for me to reflect on my friendships here. I have a lot in common with some friends... others I don't, but it doesn't effect the dynamics of the friendship. (If anything it makes it stronger and more enjoyable.) Most of the friendships that I've taken part of here weren't friendships at all but mere fragments sprinkled into convenience, social graces, and isolation.

Where does the line of social grace end and you, as a person, begin? At what point do you end a friendship that you know isn't going to- or never will- work? Would you be able to take your shears and cut away?

I did. I ended it.

The people-pleaser in me wanted so desperately to fix everything. I realized that there's no way I could. Ever. Another part of me wanted so badly to walk away screaming expletives, hoping to make the other party feel the way they made me feel. No point- it'd be a waste and fall on deaf ears. In a twisted way- part of me didn't want to let go in a way that I cannot explain. But if I didn't I'd be supplying fuel for the fire.

So, for the past few months I've been sitting up in my friendship tree, shutting my eyes tight as I take the shears and prune. I hated watching the limbs fall to the ground. For awhile I sat in the tree just staring at the limbs haphazardly scattered across the grass. It struck me how many limbs there were. It kind of hurt. But I did it. 

And you know what? I don't miss the "friendships." Part of me instinctively knew the whole time that it wasn't going to work. Another part of me knew that some of the friendships were never, ever going to work but social graces kept roping me in.

Now? The excess and unnecessary are gone. Now as I sit up in my little tree I can see the friendships that mean the most to me. The ones that support me, make me laugh, encourage, challenge, push, and inspire. I even have a couple new ones sprouting.

My tree is stronger. I know that whenever storms come my way I'll have some great branches to hold onto for support.

Time to put the shears away. 

15 Snippets

1. D had his last day at Cape D on May 27th. (Insert me having a huge sigh of relief from getting out of that hell hole... pardon my language.)

2. We went on vacation to SUNNY & WARM California! 

3. Drove the old Saturn into the ground... literally and figuratively... 
      .... 3 days before we had to drive 14 hours home. 

4. Bought a "new" car to make aforementioned drive home. Helloooooo car payment and strict budget! (And quick shout out to being *official* adults and having a dependable car.) 

5. D started training in the Airman Program to become a rescue swimmer. Better schedule plus new station plus cool training equals a happier D and Wifey. (And happy dog-dogs, too) 


6. Crashed new car. Had an awesome anxiety attack, awesome head injury, awesome ambulance ride, and created some awesome damage to the car and property. I'm THAT awesome. Extremely thankful for full-coverage insurance, friends that will drop everything to be with you, and accident forgiveness.

7. Celebrated our anniversaries: 7 years together and 3 years married!!! 


8. Celebrated D's birthday


9. Sadly, said goodbye to great friends that moved and said hello to creating new friendships. 


10. Because of number 6- I'm grateful for D's motorcycle. (That, my friends, will be the first and last time you will ever hear me say that!) 


11. Creating a new at-home routine while preparing to move in T-minus 4 months-ish... while remembering to not have tunnel vision in certain areas of our life. 

12. Kicked the addiction, working on crocheting a blanket, lost my L weight, evening walks with pup-pups, cooking more from scratch, couponing, and working on hair bows to sell in a SoCal boutique this fall. 


13. Became overly excited to watch our fish have more babies only to become traumatized by watching fellow a tank mate devour a baby fish viciously. VICIOUSLY!!! Resisted the urge to put the guilty fish in time-out. Also, somehow we have (at least) 5 new baby snails...? Hmmm... 


14. Insomnia is, slowly, getting better. 


15. Had my first two rolls film developed from my Diana F+. (See Facebook album) Very pleased with the results! 

That's all.... for now. 

 

Killing You Softly

Tonight* is no different from any other night. It's coming up upon midnight and I'm still awake, with a slim chance of falling asleep within the next hour. (Maybe even two hours) I know exactly why I have insomnia but that's a whole other blog post that will not be published anytime soon. 

Like I said- tonight is not different than any other night... true... but it dawned on me today that this is the sixth consecutive month that I've had to deal with insomnia. 


Six months. 

The first three months I stuck it out as best as I could. Don't get me wrong- it was really difficult. It's hard enough to try to calm yourself down, or to find a stopping point in your day, to get to a point where you're ready for bed. Then you wait... and wait... and wait. Then nothing. Nothing happens at all. 

The late night news comes on.... nothing. 


The block of re-runs starts... and nothing. 

Once I hit the "paid programming" hours I'm torn between lack-of-sleep frustration and the fact that, yes!, I do need a device that is a strainer AND colander in one. Dang it! My purse is in the car! 

Three months of sleeping in until 11am and scheduling my life later in the day became old fast. Insert Unisom. It works very well. The latter part of the last six months has been easier because of it. 


Prior to the past six months I never had insomnia. Sure, I've had some nights where I'm stuck counting sheep, but nothing that touched the beginnings of insomnia. While I was counting sheep my mind naturally starts to wander in and out of various thoughts. This is what I dislike most about insomnia- besides the not sleeping part- .....the fact that your mind doesn't turn off. At least for me. 



At this time of night all of the thoughts from the day flood my brain. "Did I say the right thing? Should I have handled ___ differently? Why did I forget dog food? What if __ happens? Will I remember to thaw out chicken breast in the morning or should I write myself a note? How long until ___ ... and what if ___?"

This picture hangs in our spare bedroom. It's by Michael Sieben- my (well, our) favorite artist. In addition to being a great, unique artist Michael is a pretty awesome guy. D bought this picture for me for my birthday awhile back. He even had it signed!. It's one of my most favorite things that he's ever given me.

The small head represents the thoughts that keep you up at night... they kill you. Slowly and softly. These past six months have been killing me ever so slowly and softly. The anxieties and worries contribute to the insomnia, and the insomnia cues the anxieties and worries.

Outsiders reading this post might be thinking, "Crap! What the heck has her so worked up?" To which I say, "Ha! Take a seat while I explain..." In all honesty the worries and anxieties have a more of a dull, quiet presence than a complete roadblock in my daily functions.

Will the insomnia ever end?

Yes.

Hopefully, yes.

The past week or so has been getting slightly better. Bedtime is coming in sights at 12am instead of 2 or 3 am. I've been dreaming more at night and have been able to recall bits and pieces of them the followling day. Instead of nesting myself on the couch I've been finding myself heading to the ACTUAL bed. Even reading for a little bit makes my eyelids heavy.

I know that insomnia will go away eventually. I also know that the anxieties and worries will still be hanging out, too. They just won't be sharing the couch with me while order a strainer AND colander at 3 am.
--

*I published this post the following day.

For the Invisible Ones

 Pics via google images

Today my thoughts are with the invisible ones. 

The ones who had, but lost... however the loss happened.

Those were born to be one but are still not.

Maybe, someday. 


Soon. 


Hopefully.

Those who desire so strongly that if one were to drain that desire from their blood they would wither away... like dust. 

This one is for the invisible ones who did everything they could to get through May 8th like it was just a normal day. 

I feel ya, girls. 

I was right there with you, too. 


Comments turned off. 

Girls Weekend

Last weekend, E, J and I had a girls weekend. We went to dinner one night, had an unexpected sleepover, spent the day around town and then topped the night off with dinner and movie. I meant to take more pictures but was distracted by the fact that the sun was ACTUALLY out. 


Being that we're in a smaller (understatement) town I was surprised that D and I have not yet made it to the OTHER side of the river to see the Peter Iredale wreck. Some of this was vaguely familiar since the last (and first) time I was at the Peter Iredale was when I was...umm... 4? 5? Something to that effect.

 View of Washington from the Oregon side. (White building on mountain top is above our house) This is a great view of the mouth of the Columbia River- only 4 miles wide! (That's big, by the way)

 Two of my favorite ladies: J and E

 The South Jetty. (A lot of my pictures are of the North Jetty since, well, we live by it)

 A hot- mess, freeeeeezing cold Wifey

 Blue skies!!!

 J

 This is the Peter Iredale wreck. (It's a boat if you can't tell) Pretty cool and a lot bigger than it looks.

 J+Wifey+E

 We spent more time taking crazy pictures than really checking out the boat.

 Me doing my fav pose

 E wind surfing

 J

 E+ J

So Sorry, February

Whoa! Where has the time gone? Not only did I not post in February but now March is almost over! 

February was a really fun month if only for the fact that I turned the big 2-5. I love that D and I celebrate birthday weeks instead of just one day. Since D had to work on my actual birthday, he decided to take me out of town a few days earlier to go shopping. Although it's only happened twice (counting this time) I absolutely love walking into a store and hearing D say, "Get whatever you want." Love. Him. 

I found a really cute pair of boots that I've had my eye on. I fell even more in love with them when I found out they were 85% off. When the sales lady announced the final price D blurted out, "Oh let's get you MORE boots!" I ended the day with just one pair of the aforementioned boots, new body lotion, and a fancy schmancy set of pots and pans. 

My actual birth- day was super special because I woke up to SNOW! For once our weather forecaster was right- we ended up with a few inches of snow that stuck around for more than a few days. It was so much fun to just watch the snow fall all day after being treated to breakfast by a great friend.

 About to cross into Astoria

 Our backyard. Snowing so hard you can't see the water!

 I watched little birds for hours.

The dogs and I went exploring most of the afternoon

 The day after my birthday, D and I met up with our friends, J & E, at our new favorite restaurant, Supper Club. The atmosphere is so fun and quirky, but I think the bar area is so cozy and cute. 

D, J, E and I had a ton of fun laughing and eating. We're so lucky to have made such good friends! 

 E and Wifey*

 J and Wifey

 Three hot-mess girls who can't take a decent picture together.

 This is the best face I could get out of five picture with D. Seriously. 

 But, two days later, I got my new favorite "us" picture... even though I took it in a parking lot before we got more goods to feed our addiction.

* I have a serious problem with keeping my eyes open for flash pictures!