As Of Late

We've been walking further on our usual trail, discovering new areas of the forest. That is, when it's not hailing or down pouring. A certain dog keeps falling into the river on every walk which gives her mama and dad a good laugh. 

The other dog has been super, duper cuddly and snuggly lately. 

I turned another year older last week! I'm not too excited to be on the other side of my twenties... I AM excited for all of the exciting things happening this year. My last birthday, if you recall, was the birthday of snow.  I'm officially calling this year the birthday of food. On Tuesday my best bud, E, took me out to lunch. On Wednesday I convinced D to get Panda Express, while in Portland, for lunch. And on Thursday I received a large package full of this: 

Four of my favorite dishes from my FAVORITE Chinese restaurant in my hometown. It's tradition that us kids get to pick where we want to go for our birthday dinner. For over 20 years I've picked the same restaurant. A few months ago I jokingly asked my dad to ship me some. I never guessed that he actually would! 

 As you can see it was terrible. Absolutely terrible. 

Sweet Potato Gets Sweeter

15 Weeks! Like our messy bathroom?

Size of Baby: 10.2 cm- about the size of a navel orange.
Total Weight Gain: Turns out my scale is off by about 5-6 pounds. So, I'm guesstimating I'm up 4lbs total.
Continuing Symptoms: Hip discomfort at night time, acne and ligament pain- sneezing is now painful! Back soreness by the end of the day, and I'm still producing a lot of spit.
New Symptoms: Sinus problems/ headaches, extremely dry skin on my legs, and I constantly have chapped lips. My gag reflex has become more sensitive. Eating salads and brushing my teeth seem to set it off the most.
Physical Changes: As you can see I'm starting to show! A couple shirts that I sleep in are very, very tight. Although I'm still in that awkward stage where I just look as if I ate a huge burrito. I've com-plete-ly grown out of my old bras and it's looking like another new (and bigger) sports bra is in my future.
Maternity Clothes: Still not big enough yet. I have a pair of jeans that might make it one more week, and a pair of leggings that have an elastic band that's waaaay too tight.
Sleep: Experienced women promised more energy in the second trimester and they did not disappoint. I have days where I can go, go, go... but once I'm tired I completely shut down. Sleep has improved this past week except it's hard to get comfortable when I'm having hip pain. Apparently, D can ask me questions in my sleep and I'll respond but won't be able to remember the next day. He also says I'm extremely hostile when he tries to get me to bed after I fall asleep on the couch.
What I'm Eating: Same old, same old. I've been loving Cara Cara oranges and pasta with red sauce and fresh garlic. I also can't get enough applesauce, broccoli, cantaloupe, and spaghetti squash. Some days it's hard for me to stay full for longer periods of time.
Cravings: Starbursts and Chinese food. I'm really missing my favorite Chinese restaurant back in my hometown but I'll settle for Panda Express. Some day, while in Portland, I'll convince D to get me some.
Special Pregnancy Moments: A couple weeks ago I woke up with a little tummy that didn't go away, and I swear I felt it grow during the night! I loved hearing that all my lab work was normal and on track. We also got to hear the baby's heartbeat! (150-155 bpm!) D and I often play the video that he recorded of the heartbeat and we always start dancing to it since it sounds like there's a disco party going on in my uterus. We received a large package of baby clothes from my grandma which was really sweet and exciting. Three more weeks until we get to see the baby again and, hopefully, find out the baby's gender!

*** The old font was getting harder for me to read. (yikes!) This blog revamp has been long overdue.

Life, Lately

D heads back to work next week after being off for a month from his surgery. As much as I love having my own space, time and routine I actually survived him being home a lot better than I expected.  It was great that he was home during the weeks that I just had no energy. The times he refilled my water bottle, made me a pb & j, took the night/ early morning shift with the dogs and attempted to do the dishes were greatly appreciated. Of course there were some moments that I was SO wishing the month would go by faster.

Probably the best part this past month was the ability to explore our area more on a moment's notice. One of the  best perks of living in a small, coastal community is the unlimited access we have to the hundreds of beaches. One day we played tourist and drove south down the coastline to Manzanita and discovered another adorable town with some great beaches. I truly cannot wait to take our little one on walks to the beach! 

Second Trimester

12 WEEK TUMMY 

(Blogger won't let me rotate my picture. Boo. But you get the idea) 

Size of Baby: 5.3 cm- about the size of a plum.
Total Weight Gain: I'm actually down about 6 pounds.
Continuing Symptoms: Tiredness, occasional mood swings, and slight back soreness.
New Symptoms: hip/ socket pain- especially at night, stronger more frequent headaches, and muscle cramps. I'm also producing excess amounts of spit. Weird!
Physical Changes: I'm not as bloated but still not showing. Still having acne breakouts.
Maternity Clothes: Not even close! I have one pair of jeans that's getting a little snug. D bought me a cute dress that's maternity friendly but I can still wear it now.
Sleep: Some nights I have insomnia and some nights I'm out like a log. Most nights I sleep pretty well but wake up to find a new position. My joints get sore if I stay in one position for too long. Sleeping on my side seems to be the most comfortable.
What I'm Eating: I went from craving a lot to not much. I definitely haven't eaten as much these past couple weeks. Hopefully there's a growth spurt around the corner because the past few days I can't stay full for very long. I've been loving soups, occasional salads, pb & j's, raisins, apples and oranges.
Cravings: French bread with olive oil and basalmic, cantaloupe, pineapple, water with lemon, green beans, and thai food. And milk, milk, milk and MORE milk!
Movement: Still too early!
Special Pregnancy Moments: Trying on maternity clothes to gauge my size, sailing through the first trimester without sickness, reaching the second trimester, and looking forward to our next OB appointment. D has been working really hard to take on some of my roles around the house when I don't feel so hot. We're also looking forward to a visit from D's mom and brother this spring!

Crankasaurus Rex

Pregnancy hormones have been throwing me for a loop these past couple of weeks. Aside from coming off a high from seeing our baby for the first time things were going pretty smooth. Even the exhaustion had become more manageable. Then- BOOM- things started to tank pretty fast.

Like I've said before I know a lot about trying to become pregnant but actual pregnancy related information is new territory for me. I knew there would be weird things that come with pregnancy but there was one thing that I never considered: the hormone changes would effect my depression. 

I've had depression my whole life although it mainly came out in my pre-teen years. In my opinion I've managed it pretty well. There was only a short period time that I required medication but it was due to another medication I was on. I have up days and down days but I'm pretty good at recognizing it and moving forward. 

A week ago, due to pregnancy hormones, my depression creeped back in through the door. This time it was much harder to deal with and, quite honestly, it got me a little worried. The past week consisted of waking up, sitting on the couch in pj's and proceeding to not move for the following 9 hours. Then repeat. 

D tries reallyreallyreally hard to keep me moving during times like this. Unfortunately, this time I was a complete stick in the mud. This past week was even hard on him because he's recovering from surgery, and has had to pick up my slack. He is so sweet to find and do little things to cheer me up even if it's for a short period of time.

Today is a completely better day for me. Not only am I happy that I'm out of this rut but it also helps that I was able to get so much stuff around the house done. As I was putting stuff away I looked again at all the little things that D, or others, have sent me this past week and it truly makes me grateful that I have amazing people in my life. It also makes me giddy that all of these little gifts are pregnancy related. 

Shea butter, sugar scrub, 12 tiny baby washcloths, a sports bra, three cloth diaper covers, a pregnancy book, pregnancy magazine and a new dress that's maternity friendly. All of these are my favorite things right now. 

Goodnight, Crankasaurus Rex. Don't let the door hit you on the way out. 

Sweet Potato

Size of Baby: 2.3 cm- about the size of a green olive.
Total Weight Gain: About .4 lbs
Continuing Symptoms: Tiredness, peeing a lot, occasional mood swings, back soreness by the end of the day, and some cramping. I also get hungry really fast and then full really fast. I basically don't really feel pregnant.
New Symptoms: Occasional headaches, round ligament pain when I sneeze, more pressure on my bladder.
Physical Changes: Helloooo big breasts! I'm already up one cup size and VERY happily bought a couple new bras. My face has exploded with acne as well. I look somewhat pregnant at nighttime, especially if I have to pee.
Maternity Clothes: Nope! Not even close. I've been living in my yoga pants as I'm preferring comfort to cuteness right now.
Sleep: The last few nights I haven't slept well at all due to D just having surgery on his shoulder. However, I'm enjoying the fact that I get tired enough to take naps AND still be ready for bed at a decent hour. Between 2pm and 5pm is when I want to rest the most.
What I'm Eating: Normal eating habits so far. Occasionally I chew a piece of cinnamon gum after meals that make me feel too full. Some days I wake up at 3am super, super hungry and other days I have to remind myself to eat breakfast because I'm not starving. Our overall consumption of milk has doubled. Thank goodness for Costco!
Cravings: Tomato-based products: tomato soup, marinara sauce (which I use as salad dressing), homemade bbq sauce, pizza, and pasta sauce. I crave a lot of sweets and cereal. Over the last two days I've craved: fruit roll-ups, doughnuts, cupcakes, and fruit loops. I'm also loving baked potatoes and freshly baked french bread. I really don't know how I haven't gained THAT much weight.
Movement: It's too early to feel the baby move. However, when I was about 5 weeks along it felt like there was a tiny butterfly fluttering in my uterus. My mom and MIL reported to have the same feeling in their pregnancies. I can also feel my uterus growing and stretching... not always a great feeling! During my ultrasound this afternoon we were able to see the baby twitch and move it's arms a LOT!
Special Pregnancy Moments: We have a lot!
1. Calling our parents on December 10th to tell them that I had a positive test.
2. Getting a call from our Reproductive Endocrinologist on Dec. 12th- in the baby section at Ikea- confirming my pregnancy, hearing my due date and learning my hcg numbers.
3. Calling our extended families that same night to tell them the news. The best reactions came from: D's little brother- who's been asking why we don't have a baby- cried. My grandmother bawled for about 5 minutes straight. D's aunt and my aunt just screamed and screamed with excitement.
4. Our first OB appointment this afternoon. Especially the ultrasound!
5. Purchasing a little snow suit last week. This evening I officially started our cloth diaper lot by purchasing a few.
6. The times that D states how excited or how happy he is to finally start a family.

Bruises

I mentioned in this previous post that it took D and I three years to conceive. That's a long time. Although, for me, it felt more like 1,095+ days. Looong days. It wasn't just 1,095+ days, either. It consisted of days being so consumed by the fact that it was taking a lot time, wasn't going to "plan," what-ifs, when do we draw the line, and the how far are we willing to pursue this? On top of that I majorly went through all stages of the grief cycle.

Yep... all 1,095+ days.

The time from September 2010 up until a couple months ago seemed to be the hardest. For the first time ever in my life I couldn't even be near a baby nonetheless look at one. There have been a couple times that I've had to drop everything and leave a store because I saw one while grocery shopping and just couldn't handle it. Even hearing one cry from across the store could trigger my anxiety level in .5 seconds.

And don't even get me started on baby showers.

Ingrained in my head was the idea that it things weren't working because I didn't deserve it. I know, I know- so not the case. It took medication and working with a counselor to retrain my brain to not feel that way. Then- ever so slowly- I took a huge leap and met up with a friend who had a little one. It was a success... a small one... but I'm glad I did it. I ripped the large band aid off and exposed my open wound.

Now that I am pregnant I've found myself in a strange place. Part of me is over the moon. Part of me is in disbelief... still. Part of me still feels the infertility bruises. I wasn't one who simply stopped birth control and was pregnant three months later. I had to work for this. Hard. The part that feels the bruises is worried that it could all be taken away as fast as it came. I feel as if this is the crappiest thing about infertility- in one way or another it never leaves you.

During those 1,095+ days I never allowed myself buy anything baby related if it wasn't a gift for someone else. In fact, the baby section was an area I frequently avoided in stores. Occasionally friends would hand me down a few things but 90% of the time I would end up donating the item. (Minus a couple things) I always thought that I would buy up a storm if we ever became pregnant. Well... at least something to commemorate the pregnancy. But, no. I've actually avoided it. I can look and browse but something has held me back from buying. That really bothered me.

Once again... I braced myself as I ripped off the band aid exposing a re-opened wound, hoping that the fresh air would do it some good. I popped into a local children's store and made my first purchase: a little cream snowsuit.

I hate that bruises of infertility may never fade away... but I also love how infertility has made me immensely grateful for the little one that is to come.