Sass

Sass

noun
1. impudent or disrespectful back talk: Both parents refuse to take any sass from their kids.

verb (used with object)
2. to answer back in an impudent manner: Don't sass your mother.

adj (used for a person) but also a noun
3. a dark haired, dark eyed female born in 2003: Wifey's nickname for her niece, Ky.

It seems as if it was just a couple years ago that I was watching her move and kick from the inside of her mom's stomach. Shortly after that I was teaching her dad how to hold a baby, bringing her home from the hospital in my rinky-dink saturn, and watching her turn two people into parents. A few months ago she was carting her security toy- a green rubber alligator named Sandy- around e.v.e.r.y.w.h.e.r.e., marching around like a duck, and ordering us into time out for being naughty. Last week she refuses to call me anything but Auntie Erin, went through a I'm-a-dog phase, demanded to watch Home Alone a hundred million zillion times, and found any excuse to eat icecream.

And, yet, it wasn't just the other day that all of this happened because now she's eight. Eight. Now her clothes cannot keep up to the rate her body is growing. She's traded calling me Auntie Erin for just "lady." Most everything she says is laced with sarcasm. Her favorite show is Bones, and she dreams about living on a horse ranch. She says sassy things that I swear I've said when I was her age. She has her own style and isn't afraid of showing it. She's stolen my heart from the minute she was born and I have no intention of ever letting go of her.

This small-fry is amazing. Nothing less. She pushes me to want to be a better aunt, person and mother. I look up to her for her perserverence and resilience... especially since she was born into a less than optimal environment that has only gotten worse in some ways. She's proof that family is worth fighting for, no matter the cost.

And yet... she's eight.

The BEST part about being back in California is being near her. There were many, many a few times that I bawled on the phone with my mom because it was just. so. hard. to be away from this little girl. Now, she's a five minute drive away. We've been two peas in a pod lately:

 

California has been good to the dog-dogs and I so far. But this little sass has made it even better.

For the record- all of these pictures were taken with my cell phone and are mine, and mine only. If you take them- in any way- I will be forced to hunt you down and karate chop you. Or something similar.

List It Out

One of the best things a counselor taught me was to list my thoughts, emotions, fears, stresses, etc. out on a piece of paper as a way to not keep it all in. (I tend to be a firework... keep it all in until one thing sets me off.) This is one of the easiest things for me to do because I. love. lists.

I've struggled with this blog lately because I feel like it's constantly nagging me to update it. And it's right... I desperately need to update it. I find this harder to do now that we're (mainly me) homeless and bouncing between Central and Southern California. At the same time I think back to when D went to bootcamp two years ago, and how blogging helped pass that time. Well, that and walking Bogey 14+ hours each day. I still feel slightly awkward updating this ball and chain when I feel like I have nothing that interesting going on. On the contrary, I love reading other people's blogs even if it's just what they did that week.

So I'm combining my need to update with my love of listing.

1. As previously mentioned- I'm homeless. We moved out of base housing up north and drove a VERY packed Subie down to California with our two furry fart heads. D is back east for school for the next 5 months.

2. Separating from D this time around was easier than the first time. I lovelovelove that I can call him everyday and hear what he's up to.

3. I love our families. I love the time that I have to bounce between the two, and visit with those I haven't seen much of in the past couple of years.

4. I've only had one freak out. (Insert me patting my own back) I learned that I should not make major decisions when I'm upset. I also learned that I love my dog-dogs so. incredibly. much. For as much as they drive me up a wall they also bring so much comfort to my life.

5. I've decided that the next 5 months is me time: No medications. No doctor appointments. Cry when I want, but move forward. Focus on the blessings I have. Find happiness in the smallest things. Start working out again. (Wait... whaat?)

6. Got a new laptop and new phone. Woop woop! I feel so fancy that I have all my music on my phone!

7. Loving the sun and heat that California provides. I barely have clothes to stay cool but after two years in cold isolation- I think I'll deal.

8. Pinterest destroyed my life. And I blame Megan. But I have a lot of projects that I'll be tackling soon.

9. I love that I have two suitcases and a box that I'll be living out of for awhile... but I equally hate it, too.

10. I'm so looking forward to upcoming events and visiting friends.

Party's Over

Earlier this evening I was stalking browsing facebook and I found out some new information from a status update of a friend. Quite honestly the information stung me. Hard. It's interesting that information like this should still sting because, logically, I should be used to it by now.

Cue the pity party!

The next hour consisted of me preparing for the party, figuratively. I put up the decorations, filled the air with music, sprinkled the counter tops with finger foods and put on my best party dress. Then I waited for people to knock on the door even though I know people are not coming. Yet, I anxiously walk around the house asking myself what's taking people so long to arrive.

Then, somehow, I came upon more information about this friend's status update and I froze. Vaguely- there was no longer a reason for me to consumed by my pity. I ache for this person and hope I never have to deal with the same situation.

So. I turned off the party music. I carefully took down and packed away the decorations. The food was placed back in the fridge. I took off my party dress and threw it in the hamper. Finally, I turned off the porch light and locked the front door. The pity party was officially over.

While I'm enjoying a hot shower tonight I'll be reflecting upon the following words, that were spoken at the most recent Relief Society General Conference. I'm hoping that tomorrow's General Conference will give me more peace and comfort and that it will do the same for my aforementioned friend.

"...God is fully aware that you and I are not perfect... this drives us to create expectations for ourselves that are impossible to meet...everyone has strengths and weaknesses...it’s wonderful that you have strengths... and it is part of your mortal experience that you do have weaknesses... please remember also to be compassionate and patient with yourself..."

- Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Bridges for Freeways

Our house has morphed into a state of organized chaos. 

Moving is a military family's constant. It seems like six months after the very last box has been unpacked you're already talking about when you're moving next. It starts out being so vague ("Oh, in a few years.") and whittles down into something more specific. ("May 2012") Then it becomes tangible: "Three more months,"... "A couple weeks,"... "October __." This is where we are... we're in specifics.

It's crazy to think we've been here for two years. It seems like the longest two years ever. So much "life" happened when we were up here, and my list of Things I've Learned has grown. There are definitely somethings that I will miss up here but, at this point, I'm so. ready. to. leave. 


I can't wait to trade rain for sun, isolation for people, bridges for freeways, tourists for locals, mist for fog, lack of options for too many options, 3 bedroom house for a bedroom, Seattle/ Portland for San Fran/ L.A., rivers for pools and porcupines for.... wait I'll keep that last part. I still pee my pants with excitement when I see porcupines. 

And, so, the packing and painting continues.... 

Number 1-11

It's quiet on my blog. I can almost hear crickets. 


Our days and weeks are very repetitive. Rather than post the same thing over and over- new car, walks, nice weather, Harry Potter marathon, dogs, recipes, etc- I've just left things quiet. 


Despite the repetitiveness- we have been weirdly busy... because there's always something. Honestly- I'm tired of the something. 

Anyways. 


Most of my days have been spent in a corner. This one, to be exact: 

(Oh... you noticed the classy paint job? It greatly saddens me. I. hate. white. walls.) 

Let me take a moment to break this picture down for you.  

 #1: Two JoAnn's bags filled with new supplies, although some purchased items were not entirely necessary.  There are two more bags tucked away in that blue tote peeking out the side of the couch.

#2: Tee- shirts that are soon to be made into reuseable bags. 

#3: My "inspiration" journal. It's packed full of crafting ideas and snippets of pictures/ quotes/ etc. that inspire. (Maybe a little too well?) The papers under it are new projects that need to be added to the book. 

#4: Trash/ scrap pile

#5: Edge of my leather ottoman that contains one half-finished crocheted blanket, and a crocheted scarf that I've seem to abandon. For now. Or at least the past 7? 8? months. 

#6: One finished project from #2... but the test dummy. It may or may not be filled will more crafting supplies... that I may or may not have purchased today. 

#7: Two onesies- that are almost done- sitting on top one of many bins containing material. 

#8: Remote that controls Netflix that I'm constantly losing in the mix of this mess. 

#9: The c-l-a-s-s-y white wall that needs a second coat. 

#10: My notes of where I left off on different projects. Or notes of what I might want to do next. This is separate from #3. Also- 2 of 4 pairs of scissors that are floating around in that corner. 

#11: And a Roo-roo butt. You know... for good measure. 

Not pictured: the five mounds of laundry that are split between two rooms, the clean dishes that need to be put away/ the dirty ones that need to be loaded, a car that needs to be washed, a dining room table that needs to shed a few piles of papers, aaaaand packing that needs to commence. 

Pruning

I was really fortunate to have my maternal grandmother live in neighboring town my whole life. It was a small(er) town that boasted miles and miles of farmland. She, too, lived on a decent- sized farm plot that had rows and rows of almond and pecan trees. It was a great place (and space) for school-aged kiddos, like my brother and me, to romp around and play. 

In her large front yard she had a few olive trees. If I had to guess I'd say that the olive trees were already present when my grandmother purchased her house. She certainly didn't utilize the olives that it produced, and spent most of the time complaining about the mess the dropping make. But for a young Wifey they were the perfect tree(s) to climb. 


I remember one day my grandmother allowing me to prune the tree. Why? Not sure. I assume it was mostly driven by: my boredom, my grandmother sucking me in with "a special job," and, most importantly, getting to use some huge cutting shears. My grandmother briefly explained that cutting back some of the old, withering limbs would help new ones to grow in, and keep the tree healthy. 

So, I sat in the tree with cutting shears. 


And I pruned. And pruned. And pruned. 


After coming back to check on me my grandmother exclaimed that I did my job a little too well and that I should move on to another olive tree. She explained that pruning too much might traumatize the tree so much that it won't grow. (I'm paraphrasing here. I'm sure my grandmother didn't use the word "traumatize.")  

Fast forward to the present. Specifically the past few months. Being that we're far away from our family and close, close friends we've had to branch out and create new friends from scratch. Living in a mostly isolated area- and in the military- I've/ we've had to rely on our friends more than we traditionally would. They become more than just friends or close friends- they, essentially, become our family. 

It's interesting for me to reflect on my friendships here. I have a lot in common with some friends... others I don't, but it doesn't effect the dynamics of the friendship. (If anything it makes it stronger and more enjoyable.) Most of the friendships that I've taken part of here weren't friendships at all but mere fragments sprinkled into convenience, social graces, and isolation.

Where does the line of social grace end and you, as a person, begin? At what point do you end a friendship that you know isn't going to- or never will- work? Would you be able to take your shears and cut away?

I did. I ended it.

The people-pleaser in me wanted so desperately to fix everything. I realized that there's no way I could. Ever. Another part of me wanted so badly to walk away screaming expletives, hoping to make the other party feel the way they made me feel. No point- it'd be a waste and fall on deaf ears. In a twisted way- part of me didn't want to let go in a way that I cannot explain. But if I didn't I'd be supplying fuel for the fire.

So, for the past few months I've been sitting up in my friendship tree, shutting my eyes tight as I take the shears and prune. I hated watching the limbs fall to the ground. For awhile I sat in the tree just staring at the limbs haphazardly scattered across the grass. It struck me how many limbs there were. It kind of hurt. But I did it. 

And you know what? I don't miss the "friendships." Part of me instinctively knew the whole time that it wasn't going to work. Another part of me knew that some of the friendships were never, ever going to work but social graces kept roping me in.

Now? The excess and unnecessary are gone. Now as I sit up in my little tree I can see the friendships that mean the most to me. The ones that support me, make me laugh, encourage, challenge, push, and inspire. I even have a couple new ones sprouting.

My tree is stronger. I know that whenever storms come my way I'll have some great branches to hold onto for support.

Time to put the shears away. 

15 Snippets

1. D had his last day at Cape D on May 27th. (Insert me having a huge sigh of relief from getting out of that hell hole... pardon my language.)

2. We went on vacation to SUNNY & WARM California! 

3. Drove the old Saturn into the ground... literally and figuratively... 
      .... 3 days before we had to drive 14 hours home. 

4. Bought a "new" car to make aforementioned drive home. Helloooooo car payment and strict budget! (And quick shout out to being *official* adults and having a dependable car.) 

5. D started training in the Airman Program to become a rescue swimmer. Better schedule plus new station plus cool training equals a happier D and Wifey. (And happy dog-dogs, too) 


6. Crashed new car. Had an awesome anxiety attack, awesome head injury, awesome ambulance ride, and created some awesome damage to the car and property. I'm THAT awesome. Extremely thankful for full-coverage insurance, friends that will drop everything to be with you, and accident forgiveness.

7. Celebrated our anniversaries: 7 years together and 3 years married!!! 


8. Celebrated D's birthday


9. Sadly, said goodbye to great friends that moved and said hello to creating new friendships. 


10. Because of number 6- I'm grateful for D's motorcycle. (That, my friends, will be the first and last time you will ever hear me say that!) 


11. Creating a new at-home routine while preparing to move in T-minus 4 months-ish... while remembering to not have tunnel vision in certain areas of our life. 

12. Kicked the addiction, working on crocheting a blanket, lost my L weight, evening walks with pup-pups, cooking more from scratch, couponing, and working on hair bows to sell in a SoCal boutique this fall. 


13. Became overly excited to watch our fish have more babies only to become traumatized by watching fellow a tank mate devour a baby fish viciously. VICIOUSLY!!! Resisted the urge to put the guilty fish in time-out. Also, somehow we have (at least) 5 new baby snails...? Hmmm... 


14. Insomnia is, slowly, getting better. 


15. Had my first two rolls film developed from my Diana F+. (See Facebook album) Very pleased with the results! 

That's all.... for now.